That was another week that was.......

I say I say I say. What do you call a bloke who doesn't know his arse from his elbow, has an over inflated ego, and has no need for the BT friends and family package?.......(Please fill in your own punch line/name/etc here. Thank you)

First rule of showbiz, open with a gag, close with a song. You have got the song to look forward to, ooh you lucky bastards.

So, what's been happening recently? What has caught my eye, tugged at my heart strings, or rattled my cage?

I very much liked the story about Irish people harassing Romanian immigrants in Belfast. An absolutely stunning example of double standards. Irish travellers (Or thieving, littering, anti social free loading scourge of the planet, as they are known everywhere else, except in the recycled, dolphin friendly, Ex Cambridge University, lentil eating pages of the Guardian) seem to have no problem at all landing themselves over here. Destroying everything in their wake, stealing from the local community, completely disregarding the law in every way possible, leaving our green and pleasant land looking like a shit hole, but when the shoe is on the other foot, they are up in arms arn't they!

My favourite bit of the whole sorry saga, was when Martin McGuiness, who is the minister for something or other, and who is an alleged ex member of the IRA (He was) and has been rumoured to have actually taken part in some of the murdering etc (He prob did) chirped up in defence of the Romanians. I was driving at the time and listening to Radio 4 (Fucking intellectual me guv) when i heard him say "These people are being terrorised."

I had to pull over as i was gasping for breath. A quite outstanding display of 'pot and kettle' The words "That's rich" couldn't find their way to my lips quick enough. A memorising display of irony.
I for one, will not stand for any disrespect aimed at James T Kirk's misunderstood nemesis.

Moving on.

The house of commons has got a new speaker.......whoopee do shit.

Jordan (or Katy Price as she now likes to be called, since she has stopped being a thick, self centered, balloon titted ego maniac) continues to be all of the above. It's just now she has gone solo, instead of being one half (wit) of a double act.

This hot weather is doing my head in. I have to admit to spending the entirety of the winter months moaning about the cold, the grey skies and the drizzle, and then once we hit June, i am a sweating, melting wreck. I just don't do heat.

I suppose being half a stone overweight doesn't help, but i find the most affected area is my gonads. As we all know from our science lessons, things in general swell when hot. This means that i have to adopt a mild bandiness in the severest of temperatures. I try my best to disguise my bandy gate, but i don't think i am fooling anyone.

I am thinking of investing in some kilts. I can't wait to feel the breeze caressing my testicles, oh to feel them swaying gently will be sheer bliss. It is also a great way of pursuing my new hobby of exposing myself to single mothers on public transport! "It's not my fault your honour, it was a gust of wind."

The subject of the wearing of jeans at work has reared up again. The wearing of jeans at work has been forbidden. Well about bloomin' time I say. I welcome this directive. I must admit in the past, i have had a certain amount of hostility to what i once thought was a draconian, and ill conceived notion, but thanks to Father time, and a management style that is second to none, i have seen the error of my ways.

How could i have been so short sighted? Quite frankly, i don't mind admitting that i feel deeply ashamed. Ashamed of my denim addiction, ashamed of my insolence, ashamed of my blatant and disgraceful disregard for those that know better than me.

I can see now, that i have spent years that cannot be regained, wearing the filth that is denim. I will go as far as to say, that this is tantamount to self abuse. Yes ladies and gentleman, i am going to get this off of my chest, no matter how ugly it may be, no matter how hard it is going to be for those close to me to accept. Here goes.......I have been abusing myself for years.

My God that feels better. That lung full of air that i just inhaled is the sweetest lung full of oxygen that i have experienced for years. I feel clean, sanitised, chaste, i am a new man. These rather fetching beige slacks that i am wearing as i type this, feel damn good next to my skin i can tell you.

So can i just say from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you to all of you (and you know who you are, you unsung hero's) that have saved me from myself. These tears i shed, are tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of gratitude. God bless you.

I think my favourite amusing/irritating experience of the past week, has to be this.

I called into The Co-op on the way home from work the other evening after work. I had to pick up a few provisions, and so parked the car and entered the shop. Now partly because i was in a bit of a hurry, and partly because i am a middle aged, absent minded old twat, who will no doubt soon be being pushed in a wheelchair rapidly towards Switzerland, on a one way trip of a lifetime, I forgot to take my sunglasses off.

As i am sure i have mentioned before, i wear glasses, and so my sunglasses are prescription one's, and so necessary for seeing. I couldn't be arsed to turn tail and swap them, so i carried on wandering up and down the aisles.

Can i just state here and now for the record, i was in no way trying to be cool, pretentious, hip, rockstarish at all, it was purely forgetfulness, and idleness.

I did briefly consider pretending i was blind, so as not to court any unfavourable bitchy comments, or tutting, or "Who does he think he is, wearing sunglasses indoors - wanker." type comments, but i thought to hell with it.

I was meandering down the frozen veg aisle, when the inevitable happened. I wasn't paying any attention to the people walking towards, and then passed me, all i heard was something along the lines of "Tut, i can't stand pretentious twats that wear sunglasses indoors."

I spun round, preparing the tirade of abuse that i was going doll out, but i was stunned into silence. My jaw hung slack, as i gazed at my verbal assailant. The, what must have been sixteen or seventeen year old youth, that had aimed the word "pretentious" at me, was wearing a FEZ!.......Yes that's right, a Tommy Cooperesque, one hundred percent fucking FEZ!

Sigh.......

Bollocks, i am too exhausted for the song, sing it yerself.......

Mount Sinai, Tuesday afternoon, about tea time.......

The other day whilst driving home from work to see Ronnie and Reggie at lunchtime, I was listening to the Jeremy Vine show. This is a show that can very often get me hot under the collar, and it was the inspiration for today’s lecture.

It was a story about a bloke, we will call him Dave, who was a born again Christian. He was at work on night shift, and he and a colleague were sitting having a cup of tea, and talking about this and that. She was aware that he was a born again Christian, and the subject inevitably got around to all things religious. As part of this discussion, he announced that he disagreed with homosexuality, because it was against the word of God blah blah blah. The next morning, she promptly went to her bosses and complained that he had made derogatory remarks about homosexuals. The company suspended him, pending an enquiry.

First things first, having the opinion that homosexuality is intrinsically wrong, and ungodly is of course extremely old fashioned, bigoted, ignorant, and quite frankly bloody pathetic. On the other side of the coin, why was the bloody woman making such a big deal about it? she should have taken it with a pinch of salt and called him a prat or something, and lastly, their employer undoubtedly over reacted somewhat. Obviously shit scared that if they didn’t follow the politically correct procedures, blah blah blah and all that.

All that was needed, was a “Dave, in future for the sake of peace and harmony at work, it might be an idea if you kept your rather antiquainted thoughts to yourself, ok.”

So, which part of the above am I going to single out for scrutiny? Why religion of course! Mainly because, even though I think the reactions of the woman and the employer were heavy handed, and overly politically correct etc, born again Christians get on my nerves more! (They are on a par with back packers. Yes I have an irrational hatred of back packers…….I know, I know)

Obviously religion is a huge, and some may say dangerous subject to tackle. There are all sorts of historical facts and figures that one ought to get right. So, let me just put your mind at rest straight away. Let me just assure you, that this posting will be produced with the usual complete lack of fore thought, planning and research as usual. There will undoubtedly be huge sweeping generalizations, and copious amounts of stereotyping! So let the games begin…….

So, religion, Christ where do you start? Well start with what you know I suppose.

Christianity

Two thousand odd years ago, the bible tells us that God impregnated a woman called Mary with his son. He didn’t actually get down off of his cloud or whatever, and come down to do the business, no, he did it remotely. (Three lines in, and it already sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?) Her fella Joseph seemed to readily accept this, and off they went to have the baby in a stable. Three blokes on camels followed a star (An early version of sat nav one presumes) and turned up at the stable baring gifts. The baby Jesus was born in a manger, and school children made up songs about Shepard’s washing their socks etc.

Anyway, a bit more blah blah blah, and he basically spent the next thirty odd years wandering around telling everyone that he was the son of God, and that he could perform miracles etc. Two thousand years later, and with the benefit of science and medicine, he would be known as a schizophrenic with a touch or narcissism thrown in, who had an unhealthy interest in magic tricks. Or to put it another way…….

Son of God + 2000 years = nutter.

It just shows you how times have changed, two thousand years ago, Jesus is wandering around telling everyone he is the son of God. His legacy has lasted for two thousand years, he is probably the most famous bloke in the world, People have died for him, fought wars over him, and worshipped him.

Fast forward two thousand years, David Ike tries the same ruse, and gets nothing but a load of shit for his efforts. Not fair is it? Bless him. That isn’t to say that Jesus had an easy time of it either. No, he got quite a few people's backs up. He apparently used to run around tipping over tables and spouting his weird ideas. Or to put it another way…….

Son of god trying to enlighten the masses with his offbeat meanderings + 2000 years = terrorist.

Anyway, he started really getting on peoples tits, and eventually the Romans, along with some Jewish toadying collaborators, crucified him. A particularly nasty way to die. You would have thought being the son of God and all that, he would have been able to call in the big guns, but it seems God was out that afternoon. Tut, bloody typical. It is said that while on the cross, Jesus looked down at the people that had perpetrated such brutality upon him, and uttered the words “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” I bet God was a bit rueful when he got home that evening, and found that message on his answer phone. Yes, that will teach him to go off swanning around for the afternoon.

For years the mainstay of Christianity was Catholicism. This was the method by which one worshiped God, and a general guide line to how one should behave etc. Now Catholicism came from Rome, i.e. the Roman Catholics. This is something that I have never understood. I thought it was the Romans that strung him up, are we to believe that some years later they had a change of heart, and decided he was right after all? Before the Romans, how can I put it, "switched energy provider," they had a very much different method of worship. They had Gods for this, and Gods for that. I like this idea, instead of lumping all your eggs in one basket; you could have loads of Gods. I would have a curry God, a reality TV show God (oh we have already, Lord Cowell) a wanking God, it would be brilliant, but no, they threw all that away, and changed to just boring old God God. What a shame.

All was trundling along quite nicely, until an upstart called Henry the VIII came along. Now one of the Catholic rules, was that once you had got married, that was it, there was no changing your mind. Well Henry wasn’t happy about this one little bit, no sir ree bob. He had got married, and decided she wasn’t the girl for him, but what was he going to do? He couldn’t trade her in for a new one, the Catholics wouldn’t let him. So he thought “Bollocks, I’ll make my own religion up, where I can trade in my old wives as many times as I bloody well like.” And so The Church of England was born.

To be honest, it wasn’t a whole lot different to the old Catholic lot. It wasn’t what you would call a complete re-think. He hadn’t gone back to the drawing board, Basically it was the same, but you could trade your old wife in, and you were allowed to wank.

And that’s just about it for Christianity. Over the years certain groups have branched off, and created slightly different versions of the same thing. For example there are the Amish. Same God and everything, except they don’t have Sky Plus. Then there are the Mormons. Again same God, but they like forming popular beat combos. The Quakers don’t know much about these; think they are heavily into porridge.

Islam

Just bare with me while I adorn my bulletproof vest.......there, that's better. Phew, er, well, basically this lot need to lighten up a little. That may sound harsh, but lets be honest, brutally may be, but here goes.......when was the last time you saw somebody from Pakistan have a bloody good belly laugh.......eh?

Yes these guys do seem to take themselves and everything all very seriously. Some history.

Muslims worship God, but do not acknowledge Christ. They have a prophet called Mohamed. I of course thus far have been very unfair in the name of a cheap laugh, but Islam is on the whole a pretty peaceful religion. They worship five times a day, respect their neighbours etc, and are generally good people. We will over look the disgraceful chauvinistic treatment of women for now (I am in enough trouble as it is) and move on.

Unfortunately, the religion has been hijacked by fundamentalists, and is now seen around the world as another name for terrorism, sad. Yes some Muslims have read the Koran, put two and two together, and come up with four thousand, seven hundred and twenty-nine! It's a bit like me reading the 'Windows Vista user's guide', and coming to the conclusion that all apple mac users should be exterminated! Calm down guys, there is room for all operating systems.......relax.

The fundamentalist side of the religion is pretty farcical though. Young disciples are told, that if they are martyred in the name of Allah, they will arrive in paradise, and be tended to by seventy-two virgins! Really? I am truly amazed, that even with the eye watering amount of brain washing these poor souls are subjected to, not one of them has, just for a second, looked at their commander and thought "Hang on a minute, If it's so bloody brilliant, why am I going, and not you?"

Muslims are not allowed to partake in alcohol or tobacco (Maybe something to do with the lack of humour in general) but this doesn't seem to trouble Mr Khan down our local wonderful curry house!

Judaism

You say tomarrrto, I say tomaaaato, you say patarrrrto, I say potaaato, tomarrrto, tomaaaato, patarrrrto, pataaato, let's blow each other up!

This pretty much sums up the relationship between the Jews, and the Palestinians. Sigh.......

The Jewish religion has always confused me. The Romans called Christ 'The king of the Jews' and yet they think he was an impostor. Was this an attempt at Roman sarcasm? I don't know. It's something like this i think.......

The Jews seemed to be scattered all over the globe. Then in 1948 it was decided that the Jews should have their own homeland. Fair enoughski you might think, but the bigwigs that decide these things, put the cat among the pigeons by creating Israel smack bang in the middle of the 'Holy Lands' Fair enough I suppose, but it didn't really help matters did it? If they had put them somewhere just outside Milton keynes, maybe a lot of bloodshed could have been spared.

The Palestinians (Quite justly really) got the hump. It's a bit like somebody barging through your front door, and declaring that your spare bedroom is now theirs! You would have the hump wouldn't you? and so ever since, it's been tomarrrrto, tomaaaaato.......

Jehovah's Witness

I have absolutely no bloody idea at all what this is all about. I suppose they believe in God, but again, think Jesus was just some kinda wide boy. No Christ means no Christmas (Maybe i'll become one!) They also have this undying urge to tell you all about their beliefs etc. Very strange indeed. It's a bit like me being really heavily into CSI (I'm not) and knocking on people's doors, and telling them about it. Sounds crazy doesn't it? They seem to love it.

They wear suits a lot, and let their relatives die because they disagree with blood transfusions! This really is mentalness of the highest caliber. I am probably being issued with the Jehovah's Witness version of a fatwa as we speak! Bollocks.

There are all manner of religions that I haven't touched upon. Hinduism, Jedi, but when it comes down to it, it all seems to add up to the same thing. Control. How can we keep the plebs under control? I know, make up some load of old tosh, and tell them that if they don't adhere to this code of conduct, they will burn in hell for eternity, and do you know what?.......it's worked for thousands of years! amazing.

So Mule, you have spouted forth thus far, had a go at just about everyone and not told us your own beliefs.

Well, do i believe there is a God that sits on some kind of thrown when we die, and tots up all our misdemeanors, and sends us north or south accordingly?.......No.

Do I believe that Jesus was the son of God.......No.

Do I believe that there is some kind of consciousness or force that is surreptitiously present throughout the entire universe, that somehow links us all together?.......N.......well maybe, just maybe.

So we come to the end of this lecture. As the great Dave Allan used to say, "May your God go with you."

PS. I look forward (with some trepidation) to the lever arch file I am sure I will be receiving from 'oblogotory reading man' tomorrow. Full to the brim with corrections, alterations, .......