Friday, 13 March 2009

Futility disability

Do you ever sit at your desk, or behind the wheel, or on the phone, or behind the till (The list is endless) and think to yourself…….”This is completely and utterly bloody pointless” I am sure you do from time to time, I know I do. As Henry Garvie from ‘Ultimate force’ once said, “There are only three things that are necessary for human existence, fighting, shagging, and eating.” And do you know what, he is bloody well right.

What we need is a bloody good world war! It’s true, we all pontificate about how terrible war is blah blah blah, but the stark truth of it is, is that a great many of us, especially in the Western world, have had it far too cushy, for far too long. Instead of spending our time striving for survival, we spend it lolling around on buy now pay later sofas, watching absolute mindless and pointless drivel, eating too much (because we haven’t got to get off of our fat arses and actually catch it) and generally filling our lives with absolutely meaningless tosh. A good world war would act like a cull, and blow away the cobwebs.

Human beings are at their best when their backs are against the wall. Invention and innovation flourish in times of turmoil and hardship, because it is necessary for our survival. During times of crisis, camaraderie increases, people start to pull together, help each other out, look out for each other. I am naturally and predominantly anti-social! I don’t know why, I just am (Serial killer in the making perhaps!) but I am sure I would be much more “People friendly” if I actually needed to be.

The trouble is you see, is that we have all become insular and self absorbed; there is no direct threat to most of us, so we don’t need to watch out for each other.

I avidly watch the Ross Kemp programs, where he shadows our troops in Afghanistan. Evan though war is terrible, and killing people is bad (despite what I said earlier!) I do in a way envy those soldiers out on the front line.

“Are you bloody mad?” I hear you shout (Probably not, I just think too much) but I think that the only time a human being truly feels “Alive” is when their life is in peril. People jump out of aeroplanes, throw themselves down the sides of mountains, tie elastic bands around their ankles and jump off bridges. Why do they do it, (apart from there being a small amount of showing off going on), it’s because as they are hurtling towards the earth at terminal velocity, they feel “Alive” because they know they could very soon be dead. The body seems to compensate for the fact that you may not have long left, by giving you a shot of adrenaline, and making your potentially last moments all whizzy and WOW!

What has prompted the rather strange direction for this latest Mule lecture? I don’t totally know. I am rather bored today, and when the boredom sets in, the old brain starts analyzing, and when the brain starts analyzing, the depression starts to knock on the door, and when the depression is “in da house” Mr apathy takes root, and Mr apathy opens the door to boredom, and …….

I, like many others I am sure, am afflicted by a disease called ‘Bullshit intoleranceitus’ I absolutely can’t stand cobblers, nonsense, trivia, nif naf, codswallop etc etc. Unfortunately the world is drowning in it. This does not bode well for a happy existence. I sometimes hear people standing around water coolers at work or whatever, rattling on about some work related shit, and I can’t believe how much onus they are bestowing upon it. People who think that their job is of absolute vital importance to the continual existence of this planet, (They procure condiments or something for a living!) are rife.

It’s terrible really how we all get completely wrapped up in our own little lives. Sitting on our own moons, orbiting planet 'ME'. What’s worse than living this completely and utterly self absorbed kind of life?.......telling every other poor sod about it, that’s what!

Oh god, how many times a day do most of us have to listen to Mr or Mrs 'ME' tell us all about Mr and Mrs 'me’s' planet, and all that goes on there. They seem completely oblivious to the fact that nobody is in the slightest bit interested. (There is a soul crushing irony here somewhere, but I think I might have missed it…….no it’s gone, now, where was I?)

What really gets me about somebody telling you one of their ‘stories’, is the amount of inconsequential detail that they feel they need to add. You know, we have all suffered it.

“I was taking aunty Beryl to the doctors last Wednesday…….hang on wait, or was it last Tuesday? No it must have been Wednesday because her dustmen come on a Wednesday. Unless it is bank holiday of course, then they come a day earlier, hang on a minute…….(Actually gets diary out to check if it was a bank holiday!)…….No it was Wednesday……."
And so on, and on it goes. I wish I had the balls to say…….”Look, quite frankly I couldn’t really give a flying monkey's pissing pot about your auntie Beryl’s trip to the doctors, unless of course something highly amusing or entertaining took place, and you can relay that to me in a particularly amusing and engaging fashion, which I doubt. So I especially don’t need to know what fucking day of the week it happened on…….OK”

But no, I dutifully stand there and suck it all up, and then go and take it out on someone who failed to indicate at a roundabout!
I always remember the wonderful Dave Allen talking about new years resolutions. He was saying that this person was going to stop smoking, that person was going to stop eating! This one was stopping whatever etc etc etc. He said he was going to stop accommodating bores! I think this is a great idea. I am going to come up with some sort of traffic light system that hangs around my neck. I will call it something like the ‘Bore-o-meter’ or whatever. It will work in a not dissimilar fashion to those lights they have at party conferences. But these won’t be to indicate time limits, they will be to indicate bore levels.

You’re doing ok, but to be fair you have only just started, so…….

Come on, come on, you are going off on a tangent a bit, and you are definitely
beginning to ramble. Make it amusing or Interesting…….quick.

Shut the fuck up, I’m off!

I am going to take it on to dragon’s den and team up with the chirpy little kebab seller bloke (Racist?) Don’t want the woman, I reckon she could be bossy.

We are all the same though really aren’t we? No matter how different or radical we think we are, we can’t help being bound together by the same little social foibles etc. I am going to stop shy of saying that I “Pride” myself on being unsociable, but let’s just say with age, I have become comfortable with it.
I often proclaim that I don’t give two hoots what people think of me, but even I can’t escape the inbuilt social necessities that are intrinsic to us all. My favourite two examples of this are:-

1. You’re walking down the street. All of a sudden you realize that you have forgotten something. You need to turn around and go back in the direction form which you came. Nothing wrong with that, but that isn’t what our little brains tell us is it? Oh no. Brain say’s

“If you just suddenly and for no apparent reason turn around, and start walking back that way, every set of eyes on this street are going to notice, and they are all going to think that you are a mentalist that doesn’t know what he is doing. There he goes they will say, pacing up and down the street aimlessly, they will think you have escaped from somewhere won’t they?”

So how do we get over this? We make bold and exaggerated movements to indicate that we have forgotten something, and to try and reassure everybody that we are not mad. We will do that clicking our fingers thing as we tut. We will sigh and playfully bang ourselves on the head, raise our eyebrows, maybe even try to make eye contact with someone, and tut and grin whilst shaking our heads, to let everyone know that we are a forgetful klutz, but definitely NOT a nutter.

2. My favourite of the two is this one. Again this involves just innocently walking down the street. This time you trip and start to tumble forwards. There is nothing wrong with that, but old brainy tells you different…….

“You clumsy bastard. Everybody saw that you know, you look like a complete idiot. What the hell did you trip over anyway? Is there a piece of paving slab protruding from the pavement? or a pot hole? no, there is nothing there. You have basically just tripped over nothing, and everybody saw you. You are an embarrassment to mankind."

So how do we deal with this situation? I have done it, and I am sure most other people have too. As we trip, we naturally start to run forward to try and stop ourselves landing flat on our faces. We can’t leave it at that though can we? Oh no, we can’t have people thinking that we are a clumsy sod that needs to pick their feet up.

We should just accept that we have made a minor arse of ourselves, and treat the whole thing with a wry smile. But no, we embark on an elaborate charade, trying to make out that we did it on purpose. We are actually out having a run. In fact what I am going to do is run for a short distance, and then at the end do a little bit of shadow boxing to finish it off. Yes that’s it, I am a boxer, a prize winning one at that, and I am out training for my next bout at 'Madison square gardens.' That is why I am out running and shadow boxing in the street…….wearing a suit!

Can I just apologize on two counts. Number one, there didn’t really seem to be any real definite direction to this, and secondly, I feel that I have used far too many brackets in this one (A habit that I don’t want to get in to) so sorry.

Well I think my red light is most definitely throbbing, so I will depart. I am going to jump off of the shed, using a bin liner as a makeshift parachute, so that I feel alive!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

It's all a load of balls.......

Phew……For one reason or another, probably known only to the Gods, last week seemed to be full of irritations. What’s new there you might ask, well nothing I suppose, but last week just seemed to be worse than normal.

As a sort of disclaimer, can I just say that there are obviously many people throughout the world that are in a much worse position than myself, and I in no way wish to belittle their problems, by comparing my relatively minor moans and groans to theirs. That’s the legal stuff out of the way. Never the less, I did feel that the good Lord was testing my patience to the limit last week.

I don’t know about you, but there are times when the lunacy and sheer stupidity that can occur on this planet, can drive me to very dark places. It is at times like these that I can be found sitting alone in the attic, illuminated by a single flickering forty watt bulb, clutching my knees to my chest, slowly rocking back and forth, and talking to Troy my action man. I spent quite a lot of time in the attic last week, and here are two examples of why.

Example 1
My friend told me about this, I say friend, his name is Colin, and he visits me at the day centre. I think he is paid to do it, but they won’t confirm that.
Where he works, there is a sort of reception building come guard post, and in there, are what can only be described as pseudo Nazis. Little men (they are always short) that positively revel in bureaucracy and jobs worthiness. If they could, I wouldn’t put it passed them to strip naked and frolic on a bed of paper work, and rub themselves all over with rules and regulations.

Anyway, if you have a visitor coming to see you, you have to inform the reception of their arrival. Time, name, reason for visit, blood type, sperm count, mother’s maiden name etc. He told me of an instance recently, that went something like this…….

Please read the part of the pseudo Nazi with an adenoidal train spotter type voice, it will help honest! (You could also read it with a German accent, but that is probably racist)

Colin rings the reception.

Nazi - Good morning reception, how can I help you?

Colin - Ah good morning, I have a visitor coming this morning, I …….

Nazi - Whoa wo wo hold it right there…….

Colin - Sorry, I just wanted to inform you of his arrival, and…….

Nazi - I’m not listening (Puts fingers in ears) la la la la la la…….

Colin - I’m sorry, is there a problem?

Nazi - Everybody has been advised, that if they wish to inform us of a visitation, they can only do so by fax.

Colin - Ah yes, sorry about that, I forgot. While I’m on the phone, could we just do it now?

Nazi - La la la la la la I’ve told you, only by fax. If you would be so kind as to fax the details through, I would be happy to process it for you.

Colin - ok ok, I’ll fax it.

Colin follows the correct procedure, and faxes all the information through.
An hour and a half later, his phone rings…….ring ring, ring ring…….

Colin - Hello.

Nazi - Yes hello, it is reception here, you have a visitor of which we have not been informed. The rules quite clearly state, that all visitors must be pre booked in by their visitees, two or more hours before the arrival of said guest.

Colin - I phoned you this morning…….

Nazi - Oh well, that’s where you have gone wrong you see, you should have faxed the information through.

Colin - I did.

Nazi - You have just said that you phoned.

Colin - I phoned first, and then you told me to fax it, which I then did.

Nazi - Well we haven’t received it.

Colin - Well I can’t help that, if you had let me do it over the phone, we Wouldn’t be having this problem would we.

Nazi - Ah you can’t phone it through, you have to fax it.

Colin - I DID

Nazi - Well we haven’t received it…….

And so it goes on and on, like some kind of hellish perpetual spiral. Down into the bowels of Hades.

The other example is by far my favorite. I really bent Troy’s ear with this one. It happened last week, Miss Marple and myself had both nipped out of work one lunchtime to do some stuff in town. One of the things we had to do, was pay a visit to ‘Wilkinsons’. Now, after the collapse of Woolworths, Wilkinsons has now been promoted to the top spot of ‘worst shops in existence’.

Call me a snob, call me aloof, call me elitist, call me pompous, but I bloody can’t stand Wilkinsons. It seems to always be full of old people who smell of urine, and chavs, who apparently also smell of urine, mixed with the residue of Marlboro lights. Our local branch has a low sort of window sill that runs the whole length of the window. This is always full of old people just sitting there. What are they doing? I always feel like I need to walk through some kind of sheep dip when exiting the shop, to be cleansed.

Anyway, I took a deep breath, plucked up the courage, tried to be a grown up for ten minutes, and took the first tentative steps through the front door. I followed Miss Marple around, hanging onto her coat tails, staring wide eyed, and trying desperately to avoid contact with anyone, eye or otherwise. We got all the bits we needed, and headed towards the checkout.

On route to the checkout, Miss Marple spied the ‘Pick and mix’ section. Being a bit of a sucker for things that are colourful and sugary, she decided to treat herself. She filled up the bag with all sorts of goodies, and then we both noticed signs that were three foot high, saying……."Please weigh your pick and mix bag, before taking it to the checkout. Thank you." As the signs were so prominent, and so numerous, we took it that this was very important, and failing to adhere to this rule would result in us being ejected forcibly from the shop, or arrested, or beheaded or something. So Miss Marple diligently weighed the bag, and stuck the little sticker that came out of the machine onto the bag.

We got to the checkout, and I was delighted that I had almost completed the mission without brushing up against any old people or chavs. We were standing in the queue, and I was only a few inches away from a real life chav. She was a proper one and everything. She had the Croydon face lift haircut, tracksuit bottoms, a gob full of chewing gum, a mobile phone which seemed to be welded to her ear, and half a dozen or so screaming chavlets.

It was at times like this that I wished I had the courage to ask her if she had any idea which schools she would be sending her little darlings to. She would inevitably ask me what it had got to do with me, at which point I could tell her that I was in little doubt that I was paying for their existence, so I would just like to be assured that they would be receiving a half decent education, so that there was a small glimmer of hope that they would find some kind of employment in their adult years, so that I wouldn’t have to pay for them for the full three score years and ten! But alas my balls are not that big.

I did however take this opportunity to do the sniff test. I glanced surreptitiously left and right to see if the coast was clear, and then gingerly leaned forward. I squeezed my right nostril shut with my index finger, and inhaled heartily. It is indeed true, my nostril was filled with the aroma of piss and Marlboro lights, and a heady combination it was to.

I am surprised that some perfume company hasn’t tried to capture this scent in a bottle. ‘Au de chav’ Of course the chav would be said in a French kind of way, probably "Shav" or something. I can picture the advert now, a lady chav would be reclining on a chez long covered in benefit claims, the chavlets would be shooting pensioners from the window with air rifles, Dad chav would be watching ‘Stargate’ on his heavily subsidized 52" plasma, and daughter chav would be getting knocked up, and filling in the child benefit forms simultaneously. Mum chav would then lean provocatively towards the camera (Retch) and say……."Le Shav, the fragrance from laboratory garneaaaaaaa, because your werfless"

Anyway, we eventually got to the checkout. The stuff was being beeped through the scanner, and all was well. Then ‘Darren’ or whatever his name was, picked up the bag of pick and mix. He stopped, why was he not beeping it, it quite clearly had a bar code on the sticker that came out of the machine.
"Oh hang on a minute." Said Darren.
"Is there a problem?" said Miss Marple.
"I’ve just got to get this weighed," said Darren.
Miss Marple and I looked at each other, and raised eyebrows simultaneously.
"But I weighed it on the scales, like the signs told me to," said Miss marple.
Darren looked at her, and without taking his ipod from his ears said "Yeah, but I gotta get it checked."
At this point Darren disappeared for three or four days to check that we hadn’t put one fruit salad in the bag, weighed it, and then filled it to the brim.

You are ahead of me I know, but if the shop aren’t going to trust people to be honest, WHY GET US TO FUCKING WEIGH IT IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE.

I should have known my trip to Wilkinsons wasn’t going to be good, I should have realized that once I had been head butted in the testicles by a two year old, things weren’t going to get any better. I should have gone straight to the car, and gone back to work.

Yes just before entering Wilkinsons, my gonads had a coming together with a two year old boy! I was walking along, and coming towards me was a lady with her toddler of a son. He was a dear little chap, and he was doing that walk that only a two year old can do. You know the one, they sort of defy gravity by kind of permanently stumbling forward, but never actually hitting the deck. It’s hard to replicate, I know I have tried.

They combine this with never actually looking in the direction that they are traveling in. You can’t blame them, when you’re two the world is a wondrous place, full of lots of things to see. "Look mummy, doggie" etc.
So anyway, the little chap was heading towards me, and I could see what might potentially happen. I did my best, honest I did, but every time I moved one way or another, the little chap countered me, it wasn’t looking good. I must have looked like a cross between a rugby player, stepping one way and then the other, trying to avoid the oncoming tackle, and an overweight, out of work ballerina, who had fallen on hard times, and had resorted to performing on the streets to make ends meet.

I was stepping this way, pirouetting that way, swerving here, rolling there, but to no avail, the little chap's right ear impacted on my gonads. Fortunately the pain wasn’t severe. My main concern was that his mother, having witnessed me thrusting my groin in the direction of her two year old boys head, was going to shout "Pedophile" at the top of her voice, and the ‘Child abuse swat team’ would rope down from helicopters, and I would be taken away.

My computer would be carried from the house in a plastic bag, and I would have to suffer the indignity of the trip to court in an armored van, while people hurled bottles and themselves at it. Press photographers would try to take pictures of the ‘Evil one’ through the blacked out windows, and even after pleading my innocence, I would spend years in jail being some enormous black man’s bitch. I would have to be kept in the isolation wing for my own protection, and try to sleep at night as fellow inmates shouted "Nonce" all night long.

Fortunately it never came to this. After apologising profusely, she said "Oh he’s always doing that" To which I felt like saying "Maybe a little counseling wouldn’t go amiss then Madame, nip it in the bud." But I didn’t, once again my now slightly tender balls just weren’t up to it.

Oh and God made it rain from our kitchen ceiling, but that is another story for another day. I am exhausted, and Troy say’s he needs a break.
Love and kisses.

About Me

Smileville, Smileshire, United Kingdom
Don't let the bastards grind you down! peace and love x