On the whole, Miss Marple and myself get on spiffingly. Surprising really, seeing as we have been cohabiting for approximately twelve centuries……..er sorry, years now. There are times however, when we do seem to be speaking in completely different tongues. This brings me neatly onto the theme of today’s lecture.
Men and women, the same but different…….
Yes, men and women, the same but different. A truer phrase could not be uttered. They both have legs, arms, noses, ears etc etc etc, but it seems to be the brain department where the problems start to occur. Women seem to have a huge chip on their shoulder about having smaller brains!.......WAIT WAIT, NO SORRY, THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT, AND A COMPLETE FALICY. I just couldn’t resist it. No to be serious, men and women’s brains obviously work in exactly the same fashion as far as biology and chemistry and all that goes, but there is something very different about the thoughts that run through them.
To be laughably simplistic, men seem to be much simpler creatures on the whole, more easily satisfied, and less complicated. Women on the other hand, probably due to the fact that by their very nature have more to cope with, seem to over complicate things sometimes. For example…
Man Says – “Are we definitely going to your Mothers for lunch on Sunday?”
Woman thinks – What is he asking that for? I told him we were definitely going. Oh I see, he doesn’t really want to go. He has never liked my Mother, Perhaps he doesn’t like his own mother, perhaps he hates all women. He has probably become a woman hating serial killer. He has been going out a lot these past few evenings. . . . . . .Affair, yes that’s it, he is having an affair…….with my mother. The bastard…….etc etc etc
On the subject of woman hating, I have often wondered if I am a misogynist. If the truth be known, I think most men will go through a period of misogyny from time to time, lets face it, it’s hard not to! I also think that men would actually prefer it, if women were actually men, but with front bottoms! In the interests of balance and fairness, here is an example of a mans simple approach, in direct conflict with a womens complicated approach.
Woman says – “You never listen to a word I say do you? No, it’s just me me me me me. I have to do everything around here, while you just swan around down the pub with your mates, and park your arse in front of that stupidly large TV, and watch fucking Stargate. Well I have just about had enough, things are going to have to change around here. Maybe I will find somebody that does appreciate me, someone who will treat me like a woman, and not just a sexual plaything, someone who will take me out, hold a door open for me, pull my chair out. . . . . . .
Man thinks – I supposse the leg over has bitten the dust tonight, and it looks like i'll be off to the chip shop!
I don’t think the blame can be put squarely at either side’s door. No, I think it was a conspiracy. Way back in the mists of time at the creation of the universe, Old God and Mother Nature were at work one day, and something like this happened…….
(Cue wobbly picture)
The dawn of creation, day 7…….
GOD “Morning”
MN “Oh yeah, morning”
GOD “Oh dear, do I detect an air of dispondency. Has someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning?”
MN “Christ…….”
GOD “Not yet” – laughs.
MN Raises eyebrows, “…….Is it that obvious? Anyway you should know, you're all seeing and all knowing."
GOD “Oooh, clever clogs. Lets just say you do seem a little pre occupied this morning”
MN “Sorry, I think the pressure of work is getting to me. I would go and see the occupational therapist…….if there was such a thing.”
GOD “Don’t worry, that’s next on the list, and yes I know this creation thing is a bind, but we are nearly done now. Now, where were we? Oh yes, mankind.”
MN “Er, mankind, just remind me again”
GOD “You know, those bipeds, we made them quite intelligent, but gave them no morals.”
MN Laughs, “Oh yes I remember, I am feeling a little better already. Now where did we plonk them?”
GOD “Earth”
MN “Earth, just remind me again.”
GOD “You know the one, little green and blue one, on the outskirts.”
MN “Oh yes, pretty little thing, they’re gonna fuck that right up aren’t they?”
GOD “Of course. Anyway, how are we getting on with them? Done all the limbs and that?”
MN “Yes yes.”
GOD “Vital organs, brain and what not?”
MN “Done it.”
GOD “Dangerously inquisitive nature?”
MN Laughs “Oh yes!"
GOD “Interlocking genitalia, sexual attraction, libido etc etc?”
MN “Sorted.”
GOD “You don’t think you have over done the libido thing on the male side then?.......you know, just a tad.”
MN “No, they’ll handle it.”
Both break out in fits of laughter…….
GOD “Oh dear, almost makes coming to work worth while doesn’t it?. Anyway joking aside, that seems to be it then.”
MN “Yes, I suppose so, although, there is something else we could do.”
GOD “Really, what’s that?”
MN “Well, you know how we made them attracted to each other, and gave them interlocking genitalia and all that?”
GOD “Yes, that was quite brilliant of us wasn’t it?”
MN “Brilliant yes, but also a bit boring. Why don’t we make it so that they don’t really get on that well?”
GOD “WHAT!…….we can’t do that can we?...surely…”
MN “Why not, why shouldn’t we have a little fun from time to time?”
GOD “Oh alright then. Hey, why stop there? Lets make it so that some of them fancy the wrong ones?”
MN “Hang on, you’ve lost me”
GOD “Well, let’s make it so that some males fancy other males, and some females fancy other females.”
MN “Whoa…….You’re coming from left field now Godo me old mate.”
They high five
GOD “And what’s more, because men understand men, and women understand women, they are going to get on soooooo much better than the normal ones. That will really piss ‘em off!”
…….and this is how I believe the communication problems between the sexes arose.
Also, have you noticed how a relationship changes as the year’s role by? At the start of it, there is virtually nothing you wouldn’t do to enhance the well being of your new love. Lets pick a scenario at random. . . . . . . a night out at the cinema.
Yes, way back at the dawn of your new found relationship, You would go and see absolutely any film that she wanted to see, just because it meant being with her. Yes the latest God awful sloppy chick flick, or God forbid ‘romantic comedy’ held no repulsion for you, just as long as you were together, holding hands in the dark, thanking God you were no longer single. Now, ten years later, if you were asked if you wanted to go and see ‘Mama Mia’ You would choke on your Carlsberg, and look at her as if she had just asked you to shag a donkey! It is also quite amusing (read sad), how the sharing thing dwindles the further down the relationship road you go. In the first few weeks of your new relationship, there is nothing you wouldn’t share with her.
You would be strolling down the road, each with a bag of chips, and she would stumble slightly, and spill her chips all over the pavement. You would rush to assist her, repeatedly asking after her well being, and offering her Your bag of chips. Fast forward a year or two, and you would be berating her with phrases like “Oh you clumsy cow” and telling her “sod off, you should pick your feet up,” when she enquired about the possibility of you sharing your chips with her!
Anyway, I have taken up far too much of your time as it is, I am sure you have got much more important things to be doing. I’m off to ask Miss Marple something in ancient Latin, and I very much look forward to her reply in Esperanto!
Adios Amigos.
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