Earings

Where have thou been? Why such emptiness on the Mule merry go round? Well, I think it would be fair to say that I have become immensely disillusioned with the whole blogging thing. Now before I plough on, can I just say that this next bit is in no way meant to sound conceited, arrogant, big headed, snobby etc. but alas, inevitably I fear it will.

I am dizzy with perplexity, due to the fact that I simply can’t understand why reading that somebody has purchased a new set of earings, is favorable to reading my musings. I told you it would sound big headed (Widen the doors) but that’s how it is.

I will be the first one to admit that I am not the greatest writer in the world, I am sure that I have changed tense half a dozen times already, and I must have split several infinitives, but I do think that my ‘Lectures’ Can sometimes be slightly amusing, or controversial, thought provoking, or even informative maybe, but no, it seems that the great unwashed would rather digest trivial morsels of earing buying information, than listen to me! At this juncture I was going to state how much I don’t understand this, but unfortunately, I think I do.

Lets put it this way, If you were to look at the viewing figures for, lets say ‘Eastenders’ versus a documentary on the ‘Discovery channel’ about the universe, It would be so heavily weighted in favour of watching Dot Cotton drink a cup of tea, it would be frightening. This is the sad truth, we have become a nation that hungers for celebrity gossip, of soap opera watching zombies. Our culture has become infested by some mysterious desire to ingest copious amounts of trivial titbits.

There are more stars in the universe, than grains of sand on this planet. Each sun will have planets orbiting around them, some of which will have the necessary atmospheric conditions to sustain life. There could be civilizations out there, millions of years in advance of our own. This stuff is genuinely mind boggling, it’s incredible, ethereal, but know, it doesn’t matter does it, it’s all a load of bollocks, because have you heard, Paris Hilton has got a new diamond encrusted thong. Brilliant. Oh look, there is a program on tonight, that explains how the Hadron collider is going to try and perform the most important experiment that mankind (Sexist???) has ever embarked upon…….Fuck off, forget that, Dot Cotton is collecting her pension tonight, and Phil Mitchell has hit the bottle again. Sigh.

Maybe one day, I will be out walking Ronnie and Reggie, and an alien craft will hover over us and beam us all up into the ship. We will be whisked millions of light years across the universe through a worm hole, to a planet where the alien civilization is a million years ahead of us. They would snigger at our rockets, and our mobile phones, and tell me telepathically, to sit on a hover chair, and wait to be enlightened. A tall alien creature would glide gracefully towards me, and ask me if I was ready to be told the secrets of the universe.
"YES YES" I would cry, tears of joy welling in my eyes as I realised all of my questions, and indeed all of those of mankind were finally going to be answered.
"Are you ready?" The alien would say to me, its majestic voice filling my head with its wondrous tone…….Then suddenly it would stop and proclaim "Oh bugger, hang on, can we put this on hold? I’ve got to dash, ‘Cosmic Roads’ is on, Zog is picking up her pension, and Zag has hit the bottle again, tut."

I have been rather miffed at my ‘Lectures’ being overlooked for less cerebral offerings of late, but the one that finally tipped me over the edge, the one that forced me to put fingers (Two) to keyboard, was hearing that Demi Moore’s new beau, has got a MILLION followers on fucking ‘twatter’or whatever it’s fucking called. Now I don’t know who this bloke is, and I refuse to soil my computer by typing "Demi Moore’s new husband" into Google, so I will have to remain blissfully ignorant to the facts, but I’m guessing he’s probably a bit of a pretty boy, and would be surprised if he watches programs about the hadron collider. I would also be very surprised if his offerings on ‘twatter’ are any more than, "Demi has got a new pair of earings" or "I got one of the servants to serve Demi a croissant for breakfast" and yet, a MILLION fucking people apparently want and need to know this.

It seems some people treat blogging like a social networking thing. "Ooh I bought a new pair of earings" Someone leaves a comment: - "Ooh did you, are they nice?"…….oh fuck off. I really don’t like the whole social networking scene. ‘Facebook’, bloody ‘my space’ what’s the point? People ‘poking’ each other, leaving things on their ‘Walls’ or whatever it is. Putting a goldfish in their tank, or whatever they do, lol. Either go outdoors and try and get real friends, or be like me, and go to extrodinary lengths to avoid human contact completely! Do one or the other, but please, don’t have pretend friends.

Chat rooms…….when I first entered the digital age, and tentatively put a foot onto the virtual surf board, and started riding the waves that they call ‘The world wide web’, I stumbled upon chat rooms. Dear God, what a grim place they are. Some of the inane conversations that go on in these places take some believing.

Ladybird123 has entered the lobby.

Hardnthrobbing – Good morning Ladybird, how are you today?

Ladybird123 – Oh fine thanks, u?

Hardnthrobbing – Hungover, big nite last nite ;)

Sexychick69 – Winks at Hardnthrobbing

Home alone housewife – Watchya every1, anybody seen Trucker?

Sexychick69 – He was in earlier, think he afk.

Home alone housewife – Thanx Sexy, how are u?

Sexychick69 – Cool ta.

NiftyFifty has entered the lobby

NiftyFifty – Morning.

Ladybird123 blows a kiss at NiftyFifty.

NiftyFifty – Awww thanx Lady

NiftyFifty blows a kiss at Ladybird123

Powertool has entered the lobby

Powertool – ne laydees wanna c my cock on cam, it’s mega. P2P me

Sexychick – It’s not that big every1.

Powertool - ;)

Wilde & 1derful (Me) has entered the lobby

Wilde & 1derful – Hi, anyone see the documentary last night about the Hadron Collider?

Sexychick69 – Fuck off weirdo.

Wilde & 1derful has left the lobby!

Ring any bells ne1!

And so it goes on and on. Lines and lines of endless drivel.

The internet is an amazing tool, but as with all things, there is the downside. I think it allows people to forget how to treat people. If ‘Powertool’ was at a real gathering, he for a start would surely be a little apprehensive at calling himself ‘Powertool’, and secondly, I doubt he would deem it appropriate to burst in to the room, and shout, "Oi ladies, any of you bitches wanna see my cock?"

Personally, I would prefer it if social gatherings were like this, would certainly brighten up what is usually a very dull evening. Thinking about it, the next time I have run out of excuses for not leaving the house, and get dragged kicking and screaming to a ‘gathering’, perhaps I will try it! As I am introduced to some woman who works in ‘event management’ I will jump in quick before she attacks me with the classic "So, what do you do for a living?" with my opening gambit of "’ello darlin’ wanna gander at my pork sword?" but no seriously, the internet seems to erode the need for manners. People start telling each other to "Fuck off" after seconds of meeting each other in a chat room. Wouldn’t happen in real life.

It’s because the internet is deemed to be anonymous. We feel we don’t need to conform to the usual social niceties. In fact it’s very similar to being in a car. We sit ourselves in a metal box, and we immediately feel disassociated to everyone. Somebody pulls out on you from a side road, and what do we do, two fingers here, one finger there, "Learn to fucking drive" etc etc. If we were walking down the street, and somebody stepped out from a door way into our path, chances are that both parties would be apologising profusely, "After you"……."No no, after you sir" etc etc. I’m in no position to talk really am I? I write this stuff, effing and blinding away with gay abandon. I probably wouldn’t talk like that if we were strangers, and face to face.

Then again, having thought about it, in some ways perhaps it’s not always a bad thing. Maybe it allows us to be free, and express ourselves the way in which we would really want to. It’s a tricky one.

Anyway, to sum up, I am still a little miffed at my lack of popularity! I suppose I can carry on, just writing it for the ‘dedicated three’ or alternatively, I can become a bigamist, marry a celebrity, and rattle on about her new earings all fucking day!

All aboard me hearties.......

Out with the old, and in with the new,
I used to be red, but now I am blue.
Bad times behind us, good times a fore,
My colours are different, but it's still just a chore.

Will the blue ones be curious, of my little words,
The red ones were big fans, of my chapter and verse.
The serpent departed, an angel in place?,
A demon perhaps, with a different face.

The ship is a sail, upon stormy seas,
Lets hope that the words, are followed by deeds.
Red days and blue days, they merge into one,
I'll never find out, what's on BBC1

The ocean is vast, and pirates are rife,
Lets navigate through, the trouble and strife.
Set sail my beauties, pull up the anchors,
.......Oh, my keyboard seems to have locked up, Oh well, you can try and finish it yourself if you like.