Thursday, 9 July 2009

Kuntz

The world is full of cunts.......a simple statement, a sweeping generalisation as usual, but on the whole, fairly true. I think i would like that on my grave stone actually. "Here lies Andy Mule. The world is full of cunts." I am one line in, and i have already stumbled awkwardly over my first hurdle. The word itself.......cunt.......apparently this is just about the worst swear word there is. No doubt some of you, who haven't already slammed their laptop lids shut, are wincing, and biting their bottom lips.

Personally, i think it is a great word. No, not just because i am a sour and ignorant oaf, but because there is no other swear word that you can so readily get your teeth into. (First of, i am sure many carry onesque puns to come). A good "Fuck" is worth it's weight in gold, as is a damn fine"Bastard," but there surely is nothing quite like a good "C...U...N...T" when some twit has done you wrong.

The word starts way back in the throat, that "Ch" sound, that builds to a venomous crescendo, as it hisses at supersonic speed through your clenched front teeth. I would go as far as to say, that it is in my top five words. My favourite being 'Flapdoodle' which means to talk complete bollocks, rather apt, as this is what the vast majority of my postings are!

Females in particular seem to have trouble accepting the word. I don't really understand why to be honest, if a woman came up to me and said "cock" i would find it quite invigorating, but no, most females having heard the word, will double up in pain, cross themselves, douse themselves in holy water etc.

I have to relent somewhat, and say that i have never quite understood why a word which depicts the female reproductive organs, is used to deride someone. After all, for most heterosexual men, a ladies front bottom is the 'Holy grail', the object of our desire, our ultimate goal, so why it has been chosen to basically say that someone is an idiot, is beyond me. While i am on the subject, there are a few other terms that i can't fathom. Wanker, why is that an insult? Whenever someone aims the insult "You wanker" at me, i never know quite how to react. I normally just shrug my shoulders and say "er.......yes" It's a ridiculous insult. Seeing that the vast majority of the men in the world, have, do, or will masturbate, it's a ludicrous thing to hurl at someone. It's a bit like someone cutting you up at a roundabout, and you shouting "You eater" at them, it's meaningless. Or "you walker" ???

I like the word not for what it depicts, but purely for it's sound, and the enthusiasm with which you can verbally fling it! But, for the more faint hearted among you, i will relent. From this point thus, i will spell it kuntz.

Phonetically it sounds the same, but as it doesn't actually say the "C" word, perhaps it will be slightly more palatable. Anyway, I have gone off subject somewhat. The idea of this blog was not to discuss swear words, but to give some examples of my 'Kuntz of the week'! so here goes.

First off, the moronic twat of a police officer, that left his or her German Sheppard's in the car on a blisteringly hot day. Subsequently, the poor things died. Miss Marple and myself are dog fanatics, and i think we could both quite happily, and gleefully strangle the twat involved. What's more, he/she was a DOG HANDLER, if anyone should know.......need i say more. So to you, whoever you are, i hope the public discover your address, and dish out the relevant punishment. It's a sure thing your colleagues or the courts wont, so lets hope people power can do the job. So to you, whoever you are.....YOU ARE A KUNT.

Jordan/Katie Price/Big tittied waste of oxygen, carries on indulging in copious amounts of kuntish behaviour with gay abandon. So to her.......YOU ARE A KUNT.

Sir Fred Goodwin. Here is another one that has, and will continue to evade justice. Is it illegal to buy sniper rifles off of ebay? I know this is an old story, but fuck does it still grate with me, so Freddie boy.......YOU ARE A KUNT.

T-Mobile. Thirty pounds a month each, Miss Marple and i pay. For this exorbitant amount of money, you are supposed to provide us with a mobile phone service. Quite simply, you don't! Yes we live in the country, but we are not talking some remote region of the outback here, we are within spitting distance of a city, and a large town, but can we get a signal where we are?.......no. I have had to erect, what can only be described as a crows nest in the back garden. Only when at the top of this, can we get the faintest of signals, which will invariably cut out mid sentence. So to you lot.......YOU ARE KUNTZ.

British Telecom. Very similar reasons really. Broadband, ha ha.......Do you know, there are parts of South Korea, where 100mbs is the standard phone line speed. We invented bloody telecommunications, and what have we got, a fucking Dickensian antiquated two cans and a bit of string phone system. I also find it wonderfully ironic, that the BT website is about the slowest i have ever been on. This from a company that deals primarily in the field of telecommunications!
So to you BT.......YOU ARE KUNTZ.

The presenters and members of the public that participate in those bloody programs like 'Location location location' or 'Escape to the country' or whatever. You know the ones', some snobby couple want to up sticks, and buy a residence in the Cotswold's or something. It's not the program, or the concept of the program, it's the bloody people themselves. For a start the presenters are usually annoying. "Ya" this, and "Ya" that. "Light and airy" here, and a "Great potential" there. But worse than them are the fucking punters. They are never fucking satisfied are they?

They have just been shown round a half million pound abode, with nothing but green fields and rolling hills to interrupt their serenity, but it's not good enough is it. The grass is the wrong colour, or one of the taps in the fifty thousand pound kitchen is a little hard to turn on. They are not sure that the seventy foot dining room is going to be big enough to house their seventy-two seater dining table. Because they have got so many friends, and do so much entertaining. Aaaarghhhhhh.......F U C K O F F!.......YOU ARE ALL KUNTZ.

Next up is the man in the blue Ford Focus, on the road between Wood Walton and Alconbury on the hill last Wednesday lunchtime. I was a little late setting off back to work last Wednesday. I was following this bloke along what is a moderately bendy bit of road, and he was doing, without exaggeration, twenty-five to thirty miles per hour. So, i waited for a suitable overtaking spot, and overtook him.

Can i just say at this point, i in no way indulged in any finger gestures, or shouting of any kind what so ever. I felt like it, but i didn't. So what does he do, proceeds to sit up my arse, flash lights, weave around behind me etc etc, you have all been there.

The next straight bit of road, he flies past, engine screaming, and shouts some inaudible nonsense through the window! WHY??????? He was the one dawdling along. I would imagine that he is phallically challenged or something. Perhaps he is in dire need of female company, or perhaps it was 'National don't over take a man that still lives with his domineering mother day' .......or something! So to you.......YOU ARE A KUNT.

This could of course go on all night, and i feel that there will no doubt be many sequels, but i am going to finish tonight with this one. Lastly, me. Yes, i am a kunt. There are probably many reasons why, but i will high light this one in particular. I killed Michael Jackson. Yes you read that right, it was all my fault.

I wasn't aware of this until i read an article by the Sun's columnist Jane Moore. Now Jayne Moore (Journalist/TV personality/Celebrity/grumpy old woman/MILF etc) is someone, who's column i like. I quite often have a chuckle at her humorous, and often poignant musings, but now she has accused me of having a hand in the death of 'The king of pop'! Her whole column last week, was dedicated to Michael Jackson. She was lamenting about how there were lots of people that helped, inadvertently or otherwise, to kill off, what was a talented, but greatly floored entertainer. It was every one's fault, from his managers, to his doctors. His aides, the hangers on, the wives, the blah blah blah.

Then it came to me. Yes apparently, i nailed one of the nails into his coffin, because i had an unquenchable thirst for juicy titbits about every facet of his life. This must have of course have been a contributing factor to his increased stress levels etc, that led him to swallow copious amounts of medication etc, which led to his early demise.

I wasn't aware that flicking through a newspaper, reading the first few lines of an article about some aspect of his life or other, equalled stalkerism, with selfish murderous intent! but apparently, according to Jane, it does. So if that is the case, i would like 378 other victims to be taken into consideration. I once read a bit about Elvis, oh my God, i killed Elvis. Kurt Cobain, Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe, dear God i killed them all! I read a little bit about Amy Winehouse the other day. Am i killing her as we speak? I seem to be turning into a celebrity serial killer!

Christ, i am off to hide in the cupboard under the stairs until the heat is off. You won't tell anyone where i am will you?.......

24 comments:

ron mcadam said...

basically you really are a fucking cunt.

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