If i only had the nerve.......

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you wish you had the courage to say a certain thing, or act in a certain way? I do, and I can’t be the only one.

I, like most people, have and still do suffer from bouts of cowardice. Cowardice can take many forms of course, right from refusing to go "Over the top" in the trenches in the first world war (Understandable) right down to deciding not to complain about the toe nail in your carbonara.

I suppose the odd craven moment is understandable really, it’s probably a deep seated psychological response to try and save oneself from a moment of peril, but seeing as most of us in the western world are no longer under threat from marauding sabre toothed tigers in our daily lives, our cowardly bones seem to find other outlets.

We have all been there, ruing the fact that we didn’t complain to that snooty waiter in the restaurant, or wishing we had stood up for ourselves to our boss’ Tyrannical demands. So I thought I would share with you some of the things that I dream of doing, if like the cowardly lion in ‘The Wizard of Oz’…….I only had the nerve.

As I have got older, I have found myself more often than not shying away from social situations. I really don’t like them to be honest, I know it’s a bit of a flaw in my character, but it’s just the way I am. Probably the worst kind of social situation that I would have to endure, would be the awful dinner party. A buffet is not so bad because you are mobile, and it is easier to avoid certain people, but at a dinner party you are metaphorically chained and padlocked to your chair. This means that you are also stuck with whoever you are sitting next to. On the few and distant occasions I have been at a dinner party, this usually meant being Siamese twinned with ‘Justin’ who works in HR, and boy does he wanna tell you about it. Or I’ll be manacled to ‘Wayne’ who has been everywhere, done everything, seen everything and shagged everyone.

In these situations, what do I do? I sit there and suck it all up of course. In my fantasy I would have tourettes syndrome. Wouldn’t that be great eh? Pretending to have tourettes at a social gathering. I’ve got a semi lob on just thinking about it! So instead of listening to Wayne tell me all about his fantastic life, it would be more like this…….Cue wibbly wobblyness…….

Wayne – Hi, I’m Wayne.

Me - Andy.

Wayne – So, who are you here with?

Me – My wife, she is sitting over there, the lady in the purple dress.

Wayne – Oh yeah, hey, I think my fiancée has got the same dress, but her’s is a size ten, your wife’s must be a…….fourteen, right?

Me – Wanker (Twitch)

Wayne – Sorry?

Me – Forgive me, I suffer from tourettes syndrome, I can’t help myself.

Wayne – Oh right, I have never met anyone with tourettes before, how long have you had it?

Me – Your Mother sucks cocks at the back of the bingo hall on Saturday nights (Flinch)…….about fifteen years.

Wayne – Right…….it must be difficult to deal with sometimes?

Me – Yeah it’s not easy, people don’t seem to understand, you know.

Wayne – Well I do mate, don’t worry about it. So what do you do for a living?

Me – Oh I have just got a menial job really, it’s nothing special.

Wayne – I am in banking, I’m a hedge fund banker actually.

Me – Mother fucking cunt…….really, that must be interesting.

Wayne – Yeah it’s cool man, picked up my new Porsche yesterday, you know it does 176 mph, flat out.

Me – Tosser bitch cock face shit head, wow that’s amazing (Twitch, flinch, wink)

Wayne – Got a six figure bonus as well, but don’t tell anybody eh? (Laughs)

Me – Your Father is an arse fucking homo…….nice holiday for you this year then?

Wayne – Yeah, me and Debbie, did I tell you she is a model? Thought we would spend a month in Mauritius.

Me – Ooh that will be lovely…….she’s a slut, she’s a slut…….(Nod wink twitch) we are having a week off to decorate my wife’s disabled Grandmother’s flat.

Wayne – Oh you should really try and get away man, even on a limited income. A break is good for you.

Me – (Big twitch, wink wink)……. I have fucked your sister, bitch (Twitch) Thanks for the advice, I will bear it in mind.

Wayne – Well I’d better go and touch base with the little lady, she misses me ya know.

Me – Of course…….(Twitch and head butt him, wink flinch)…….sorry about that.

Wayne – (Holding nose) er…….no prob mate.

Me – It was an accident…….Your cock is tiny, bollocks mother fucker, your sister liked it up the arse, and so did your dad. Shithead, shithead, wanker wanking gayboy…….Take care.

Oh I am salivating just thinking about it!

How many times have you been in a confrontational situation? Car related strife is a very common thing. We have all had the shouting at each other, whilst doing ninety on the M6 thing, but what about those stationary car related disputes. Say something like a crowded car park on Christmas Eve. There is one space left, and you and Wayne have both gone for it. There is normally a te ta te, a bit of name calling, maybe shouting etc, but in my dreams, it would be more like this.

I would love to have a pre-prepared cassette (Yes I know that is very 1983, but I still haven’t got a cd player in the car!) with a backing track of Harry Connick Junior’s version of ‘It had to be you’ on it. I would leave a blank silent bit at the beginning, about the right sort of amount for a small car park dispute. As I realised that a row was about to start, I would press play. We would both get out of our cars, and take part in the arguing etc etc.

I would know the exact length of the silent part of the track, and a few seconds before the song was about to start, I would suddenly say…….
"Hey, lets not quarrel, this is silly. There really is no need for any of this. May I just say, that you are very attractive."
Wayne would obviously be taken aback at this rapid change of tone.
"Yes, and when your angry, your dimples are really quite cute……."
At this precise pre-planned moment, the track would burst forth from no where, and I would shimmy up to him, take his hand, gaze into his eyes, and sing…….
"It had to be you, it had to be you. I wandered around, and finally found the somebody who……."
By which time, I would imagine the parking slot would be all mine!

I have often wished I had had the courage to make up a job, when somebody asked me the number one question on the list of social event tedious conversation topics list. "So, what do you do for a living?"

Oh God I wish I had got the courage to say "I am a spy."
How would they react? Most people would be too polite to say "Oh fuck off, come on pull the other one." I would carry on with…….
"Yes, only last night I was meeting a man on a bridge in St Petersburg. He had a package for me. I can’t say what was in it, operational reasons you understand, but lets just say the whole thing was a bit hairy old boy. I knew he would have snipers posted at strategic points, but luckily I had my invisibility cloak to hand. Once I had given them the slip, I had a meet in a bar with our Russian connection Miss Tossmeov. Yes yes, I can see by the glint in your eye that you can tell that I slept with her. It’s the best way to get the information you see. Shame I had to garrote her with my dental floss/ garrote wire afterwards, but you can safely say she died a happy woman, know what I mean old chap."

Just once, I would like to phone one of the ladies that reside on the planet ‘Sky 900 channels’ For those of you with lives, that aren’t familiar with this zone, it is the place where pretty ladies (Well mostly, I have witnessed the odd moose, but hey, everyone has got to make a living) sit on beds in drafty studios, and pretend to have sex with you.

Yes you can phone up for the princely sum of £1.50 a minute and wank yourself stupid, while the lady on the screen gyrates provocatively, and pretends that you are the best lover she has ever had. Or if you are shy, you can listen to other blokes wanking, while she tells them that they are the best lover she has ever had. I tend to find myself wandering to these channels during the advert breaks.

Yes while in the intermission of an episode of ‘Mock the week’ that I have seen eleven times already on ‘Dave’ I will find myself flicking (That is not a euphemism) through the ‘Naughty channels’. I find these channels fascinating. Not just because they are full of scantily clad, and on the whole, attractive young ladies gyrating provocatively, but because Human behaviour fascinates me (And infuriates in equal measures). I have often gazed into the eyes of these young ladies, and the look that confronts you is not dissimilar to the one on the face of a lion in a cage at a zoo.......sad.

It’s genius really if you think about it though (Well apart from the exploitation i suppose). Some bloke (and it will be a bloke) has thought to himself, there is a lot of lonely sexually frustrated blokes out there, I know, I will rent a studio, fill it with some girls, and all these blokes can phone up and have phone sex with them. The difference being, that unlike ordinary phone sex lines, they can actually see the lady they are pretending to copulate with. Unfortunately the experience is sullied somewhat, by the fact that what you hear down the phone, doesn’t match up with what you see her saying on the screen, because for technical reasons, there is a delay…….apparently, cough.

A few months later he is no doubt a bloody millionaire! Anyway, I would love to phone them, and try and engage her in a conversation about the Hadron collider. It would probably go something like this…….

Tiffany – Hello sexy.

Me – Good evening.

Tiffany – So, you feelin’ horny sugar?

Me – Er, well not overly at the moment thanks.

Tiffany – Well I am sure we can change that, do you like my tits? Look I’ll sgueeze them for you…….mmm look how hard my nipples are.

Me – Yes, very pert, tell me, have you any opinion on the outcome of the experiments using the hadron collider?

Tiffany – Eh?.......now listen, we don’t do any of that kinky shit here love, you want channel 969 for that.

Me – Scribbles 969 on the back of an empty crisp packet. - No, the hadron collider, it’s a particle accelerator. They have built it under Geneva.

Tiffany – I don’t know anyfing about that, do you like my shoes? Sexy aren’t they?

Me – There are some people that think that a black hole could be created, that will swallow our planet, and the whole universe that we exist in. Rendering us all just a thing of the past.

Tiffany – Are you gonna come or what? There is a queue you know.

Me – And if we are all gone, it could be argued that we never existed in the first place, as there would be nobody left to confirm our prior existence!

Tiffany – What if I bend over for you, is that getting your motor running?

Me – And if we never existed, how could we have built the Hadron collider, that created the black hole that swallowed the universe, that we existed in where we built the Hadron collider!.......it’s certainly a paradox.

Tiffany – Looking off camera - Dave, we have got a right one ‘ere.

Dave – Have you told him about channel 969…….

I suppose if there is one thing in life that should be learnt at an early age, it's have the courage to do the things that you you want to do, if you at all can. Ok from time to time you are going to make a tit of yourself, so what, don't be like me little one's, don't live in your head, live in the world, run, explore, experience. Don't spend your time trying to relive memories, make new memories.

shall i phone Tiffany tonight and try and engage her in a conversation about the Hadron Collider.......Nah, maybe tomorrow.......