The British. We can be a prudish lot can’t we? I don’t really know why this is, but apparently it has got something to do with the Victorians. Them lot and their table legs eh?…….tut. This prudishness doesn’t seem to extend to our European neighbours, quite the opposite in fact. The Germans aren’t by any means bashful, and the Scandinavians even less so. The most sexually liberated among our European cousins, has to be the Swedes. I too am not easily embarrassed when it comes to talking all things sexual, I can only presume that way back when, I came from Scandinavian stock. Yes, when those old Nordics and the like were over here a rapin’ and a pillaging, my ancestors must have been conceived. There maybe some Viking in me you know. So as you have already no doubt gathered, today’s topic is all things sexual. Now calm down, I can already sense some fidgeting, and seat squirming going on. Just relax, take a deep breath, and come along with me on this journey. There really is nothing to be embarrassed about. Oh by the way, I will apologize in advance for any unintentional sexual puns or innuendos. I can’t be held responsible for you making up your own jokes!
So off we go. Where to start? Well, I think the easiest thing to do, is to list some categories, and write a little about each one. So where better a place to start than…….
Pornography is of course watching other people take part in sexual acts, for one’s own sexual gratification. Pornography is by no means a new thing. Way back when the first cameras were invented, men wondered what they could take photographs of. Shall I take a picture of that beautiful rainbow? Or perhaps that stunning waterfall. No what about that incredible mountain. No, I’ll tell you what, I’ll see if I can get fanny to get her kit off, and take some snaps of that! Even as far back as caveman days, us blokes were portraying naked women on our cave walls. Drawn with the juice of a berry or something, young Ugg or whatever his name was, liked nothing better, than banging one off over his primitive sketch of miss Ugg down the road! Yes, as far back as the dawn of time, man has liked nothing more than a bit of porn. Today, the porn industry is a world wide, mutli-billion dollar business. Porn is churned out around the clock, and just about all tastes are catered for. The 'performers' in these films, who were once looked down upon, are now revered, and attend adult film conventions, where they spend their time signing autographs etc.
Now you may be thinking that someone like myself, who would claim to be such a sexual libertine, would whole heartedly embrace pornography, but you would be partly wrong. While I think that limited viewing is harmless, and can even spice up a sexual partnership for example, over doing it can be bad. Just like anything else, everything in moderation. You see, the main problem with pornography, is that it is one of the biggest purveyors of lies and myths, the world has ever seen, and too much viewing of this material can lead to a distorted view of sex. The first myth that needs to be blown wide open, is that lesbians throughout the world, all look like page three girls. This of course is not the case. My limited knowledge of real life lesas, is that there seems to be a lot of crew cuts, dungarees, and Carlsberg special brew drinking. It is of course, almost every straight mans dream, to be the spam in a lesbian sandwich. If you asked me if I wanted to be the spam between two porn lesbians that looked like page three girls, the answer would be YES YES YES. If you asked me if I wanted to be the meat between Glenda and Sharon, the local crew cutted, dungaree wearing carpet munchers down the road, the answer would be NO NO NO! The next lie that needs to be exposed, is that all women are rampant for sexual activity, at any second of the day or night. This is of course complete balderdash. Any man who is married, or with a long term partner, will tell you that there are so many variables that need to be in place for intercourse to take place. It’s a wonder we ever get to do it at all. "Oh come on, you must be in the mood". "Well yes I am, but unfortunately, Sagittarius isn’t in Virgo, and it’s only a crescent moon. Plus Eastenders is about to start, there is an ‘R’ in the month, and there is neither a following wind, nor a lunar eclipse. So I am sorry, better luck next time"! Watching too much pornography, can delude men into thinking that it is actually possible to walk into a shoe shop, engage the enormous breasted girl behind the counter in some suggestive word play, and be merrily taking her over the ‘all sizes reduced’ stand, within forty-seven seconds of entering the shop. This is of course complete nonsense, as his worship kindly pointed out to me!
Moving on to my next expose, I suppose the classic myth is that all men have an appendage the size of Blackpool tower. Now come on, your average man has an average size penis. Just like he has average length arms, average length legs. An average size nose, ears etc. etc. It therefore goes without saying, that the trouser department will be average to. Again, viewing too many skin flicks can cause Mr Average to start to doubt the size of his manhood. He may start to feel like an outcast, inadequate, and if he is a particularly isolated individual who doesn’t partake in sports, and therefore is unable to view other men naked, or manage a ‘sneeky peak’ in the public toilets, he cannot compare himself to all his fellow Mr Averages, He may start to fixate on the delusion that he was under provided for by the good Lord. The irony of all this is of course, that he is in fact quite normal; it is actually ‘Randy jackhammer’ with his monstrous member who is in fact the freak. Also, you will never see ‘Jerome Slamdunker’ having trouble rising to the occasion, and uttering the words sheepishly to his lady friend, "Sorry about this love, I think I may have had one too many pints of ‘Old Growler’, give us a minute". No, this is because the porn industry employs young ladies as ‘fluffers’. A fluffer, for those who don’t know, are women employed to stimulate the male ‘actors', usually orally, and off camera, so when they are required for a scene, they are raring to go. The absolute tragedy of the porn industry is the rise of ‘Viagra’. This has had the effect of making ‘fluffers’ redundant. Apparently legions of them can be seen milling around outside job centres, lamenting over the ‘good old days’. It must be a strange day in the job centre when they turn up.
Job centre employee "So, what sort of work are you looking for"?
Fluffer "Have you got anything in fluffing"?
Job centre employee "Ooh sorry love, we have very few fluffing vacancies these days. It’s the Viagra you know"
Fluffer "You must have something for me"?
Job centre employee "Tell you what we have got, loads of opportunities in the massage parlor industry"
Fluffer "Massage parlors, how dare you madam, I am an artiste"!
I don’t want to dwell on pornography for too long (not like the bad old days, before Dr Shubert took me to his clinic)! but there is one more myth that pornographers would have you believe, and that is that your average lady/wife/girlfriend etc. likes nothing better than to kneel before a man, and have him (how can I put this delicately – I am trying, honest)…….er, make a deposit onto her. Oh dear, yes I can sense the seat squirming has become more rigorous. Stick with it. (The puns are mounting up aren’t they). Yes pornographic films would have us believe, the Miss Marples of the world are absolutely dying for us to come forth over them. Well back in reality, this isn’t really the case is it? And who can blame them. No, your average girl is not kneeling before her man like a wanton nymphomaniac, practically begging him to explode over her. ‘Lorna Likeithard’ may well be in ‘Rough Riders 18’, BUT IT'S NOT REAL IS IT? But don’t loose heart chaps. This scenario can be achieved. You will have to be gentle with your lady. A lot of tenderness, encouragement, persuasion, and …….oh alright, lets be honest…….payment is required. The problem is, that if agreement is reached, it is done so with certain provisos. Lets be frank, the eroticism of the moment is lost somewhat, when one looks down at one’s lady wearing a shower cap, rain coat, marigolds, and safety goggles!. Top this off with a face that looks like she has just sucked on a lemon, and it is a recipe for disaster. You see, God has screwed up again. When he started this creating the universe thing, he went at it like a bull at a gate. He should have taken five minutes, and thought about stuff a bit more. Let’s take this problem I have just mentioned for example. He made a man’s 'produce' all gooey and sticky, and well.....you get the idea. When if he had stepped back for a minute and thought about it, he would have made it a dry powder. This would have been a great help in the ‘facial’ situation, as I can’t imagine any reasonable woman objecting to a light dusting. Then of course, for the female facial aficionado, who prefers the real McCoy…….simply add tepid water, and hey presto! Right that’s enough on porn, lets move on…….
Now, I am by no means any kind of authority on the Bible, but I think I am correct in saying, that our good Lord considers any kind of sexual activity that isn’t based on the female becoming, or potentially becoming pregnant, to be a perversion. Well this just about dictates that the vast majority of human sexual activity is perverted! (Though probably not as perverted as this piece of ridiculous dogma). OOPS, that’s the Catholics after me. Is there such a thing as a Catholic Fatwa? So lets touch on a few "perversions", and see how things go.
Yes, bottom love is outlawed in religious circles. This practice can take two forms really, homosexual, and heterosexual. Up until a few decades ago, men partaking in a session of bottom fun could be imprisoned, or shot, or something. I think it is now perfectly legal. This is ironic to a certain degree, because I think it is still technically illegal to have anal sex with your wife! though I don’t really know how the police could possibly enforce this. Perhaps one day we will have A.R.S.E. squads. (Anti Rectal Sexual Encounters). I can just imagine it now, Gerald and Deidre are in bed, when Gerald turns to Deidre and says……."Am I correct in saying that you seem to be in the mood for a little backdoor action you little minx"? "Oh yes Gerald, you know me too well"
Just as Gerald and Deidre are ‘docking’, they hear a muffled "GO GO GO" From the landing. The bedroom door is blown off it’s hinges, and two men dressed head to toe in black, burst in and point sub machine guns at poor Gerald and Deidre. Meanwhile, two more A.R.S.E. members’ abseil from the roof, breach the window, throw in a stun grenade, and land on Deidre’s just hoovered carpet, in a shower of glass. This is followed immediately by Det. Insp. Rimmer marching into the bedroom," holding his warrant card aloft and shouting, "Alright, alright, that’s enough of that…….you’re fucking nicked"!
Phew, this is a strange one. Don’t want to delve too deeply into this area, an area I thankfully know virtually nothing about. Basically a desire to have sexual intercourse with dead bodies. (I’m squirming now). I have read of cases where necrophiles (99% men), will ask their partner to play dead as it were, while they carry on. I can’t really see why anyone would agree to this. I have often wondered how this subject is initially broached, how does a bloke tell his wife he wants to shag dead people? Perhaps while innocently asking her husband one day about his sexual fantasies, she stumbles upon the awful truth. There she was expecting him to mention threesomes, girl on girl etc etc, when all of a sudden he pipes up. Well darling as your asking, I really really fancy doing dead girls". A bigger passion killer, there cannot be.
A quote from the dictionary……."Fetishism, a condition in which the handling of an inanimate object, or a part of the body other than the sexual organs, is a source of sexual satisfaction". Or to put it another way, being turned on by carriage clocks or elbows! Yes this is a weird one. I think being aroused by a time piece or a limb joint is taking things a little too far, but many couples like to indulge in a little bit of innocent dressing up. A Lara Croft outfit is still moth balled, due to Miss Marples reluctance to wear it. On the other hand, I am in two minds about the traffic Warden costume she has lined up for me…….moving on.
To hit, or be hit. That is the question. Yes, these fellas like to whack each other. The whackers (sadists – ie. Sado), and the whackees (masochists), are interchangeable. This is the beauty of this particular form of sexual perversion. Both parties can give and receive, so everyone’s a winner. Various implements can be used, from a cat-o-nine tails, to a twelve inch ruler. Also, there are the ‘do it yourselfers’ those people who like to inflict pain upon themselves! I did see a documentary once, where a bloke wearing a leather mask was, well how can I put this?.......lets just say it involved a toilet roll holder, lined with sandpaper!
Enough of perversions, I am starting to feel queasy. Let’s go for the big one. The one where the most violent seat squirming is likely to take place. Yes you have guessed it…….MASTURBATION.
This seems to be the topic that most of all, out of all the various categories of sex, appears to cause the most blushing, and awkwardness.
Now the main problem with masturbation, is not that it makes you go blind, or you have to start shaving the palms of your hands, it’s that there is an enormous amount of inequality about the whole thing. Male masturbation and female masturbation, are treated totally differently.
If a man were to ‘come out’ if you like, and admit to masturbating, He would probably be dragged from his house, and tied to a tree, stoned to within an inch of his life, while people sniggered, and shouted abuse such as, "What, can’t you get a proper girlfriend you saddo"? He would be a pariah, an outcast, a social leper, destined to be ridiculed forever more by the baying crowd. If a woman on the other hand admitted to masturbating, she would be revered. She would probably be held aloft on the shoulders of her fellow ‘sisters’. Paraded through the streets, a heroin, a modern forward thinking woman who, is proud of her sexuality. An icon, an example of a woman who is ‘in touch’ with her sensuality. Bloody double standards or what? Women’s masturbation is even discussed on daytime television. Female masturbatory aids are paraded on ‘This morning’ with a panel of women who have test driven them, and who are now giving them bloody marks out of ten! This is all done with not a flinch of embarrassment, and is all perfectly acceptable. I can’t imagine in a hundred years, that Fern Britton, and Philip Schofield will ever be displaying a selection of Jazz mags on their program, and asking a panel of men to rate them.
Fern "So Colin, what did you think of ‘Open and Willing’?
Colin "Well fern, it were alright, I had a look right through the mag, before finally deciding to blow my load over ‘Suzy’ on page 87.
Fern "Thanks for that Colin, now Gavin over to you. Now you were given a selection of mags, which one was your favorite"?
Gavin "I had browse through them all, and although I was very fond of ‘Fen wives on heat’, and ‘Shaved and dangerous’, my particular favorites were ‘Under the burka’ (shit, that’s the Muslims after me now as well)! And ‘Nun too proud’. I personally decided to finish off over a saucy little nun called Amanda on page 12"
Phillip "Oh right, lets have a look at Amanda, oh I see, this is the actual copy we sent you isn’t it? Well we will have to give that a miss then. Right thanks for that boys, now join us after the break, when you will have the chance to win all these mags, and an all expenses paid trip to Spec savers. Don’t go away"…….
IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IS IT?
Just a quick one before we leave masturbation for good. Why is it, that if one man lends another man a pornographic film, The next day at work, they both only admit to having watched the film. Oh so you just watched it then did you? yeah, just like i rented that Ferrari for the weekend, but only sat in it!
This imbalance needs to be addressed as soon as possible in the House of Commons.
Before I go, just a few do’s and don’ts in the sexual world.
Do, after chopping up chillies, always wash your hands before entering into any form of heavy petting. If your lady cries out, "wow, that’s hot", don’t take this to be an opinion on your prowess as a lover, it will mean, "That is actually bloody hot you twat"!
Don’t let personal criticism upset you whilst making love. Keep going at all costs, and ignore the laughing.
I was once having intercourse with a young lady, and at the critical moment, I - in the heat of passion you understand- happened to mention that "I was 'arriving'". Without flinching, and through a mouth full of Wrigleys spearmint she casually said, "What do you want me to do about it, inform the News of the World"? As you can probably guess, it took many many years of therapy to address this mental scar. For years after, on occasion when reaching the point of no return, something would claw it’s way up from deep within my psychie, and I would involuntarily shout "Read all about it…….Read all about it"!
Well I think I’d better call it a day there. You see, it wasn’t that bad was it? You made it through the rain as Barry Manilow would say, and out the other side. Virtually unscathed I should imagine. So tomorrow is the big day. 40 years old. I suppose I’ll be too old for all this rumpy pumpy stuff then, better stick to the Train set….cough, cough…….er model railway!......
Adios Amigos, and happy bloody birthday to me!
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