It was a lovely sunny day, just perfect for a fishing trip. Noddy loaded all the fishing tackle into the Noddy car, and shouted for Bigears to hurry up. Bigears emerged from the house looking very bleary eyed.
“Oh dear Bigears” said Noddy, “You do look a little tired today.”
“Well I was up till two thirty on sky plus talking to Melinda on Titstation.”
“Oh crumbs, our phone bill is going to be horrendous, it’s a good job the calls are itemised. It will be easy to see who owes what, I only call my mother and my agent.”
Bigears raised his eyebrows and lit his seventh Benson of the day. They both climbed into the Noddy car, and pootled off down the leafy lane on their way to a wonderful days fishing.
“Ah this is the life eh Bigears” said Noddy as he reclined into his deckchair, “The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and here we are, two chaps, just fishing.”
Bigears coughed, “Yes, you are right Noddy, I do enjoy our fishing trips.”
As Noddy and Bigears watched the floats gently bobbing up and down in the river, they heard a familiar chugging in the distance. Even in his less than ideal state, Bigears new exactly what this meant, he sank down lower into his deckchair, and pulled his baseball cap over his face.
“Oh look who it is Bigears,” said Noddy excitedly.
A look of slight panic, but also of annoying inevitability climbed over Bigears’s face.
“Pretend you haven’t seen them…….PRETEND YOU HAVEN’T SEEN TH………”
“Hello guys” said Noddy as he jumped up from his deckchair.
“Too late…….you fucking twat” spat Bigears.
“Look Bigears, it’s the Famous Five.”
“Hello chaps” said Julian as he stood with a manly stance on the deck of the boat, “How the devil are you both today?”
“I’m fine Julian” said Noddy, “Bigears is not at his best, he has been up half the night masturbating, I’ve told him he will need glasses in later life, but you know Bigears.”
Anne and George covered their mouths with their hands and giggled, as Bigears looked at Noddy in disbelief.
“I say Bigears, do you prefer Titstation, or Mingehunt” said Dick, “ I am a Mingehunt man myself, I find the ladies on Titstation just a little common.”
Bigears sank even lower into his deckchair, and mumbled something through a cough as Anne and George reddened in the face slightly.
“I say, have either of you chaps heard of any damsels that need rescuing, or of any dastardly plans that need scuppering?” Said Julian.
“Afraid not old bean” said Noddy, “We are just having a quiet days fishing.”
“Trying to” said Bigears under his breath as Noddy shot him a look.
“Oh bugger” said Julian, “Oh well, if you hear of anything, text me will you. Incidentally, have I shown you my new Nokia ZS 69X-101 handset?”
“Oh come on Julian” said Anne, “There isn’t anybody you haven’t shown it to.”
The rest of the Famous Five laughed, and playfully punched Julian on the arm.
“Oh well, we must be off. Fair maidens to release from the clutches of evil pirates and such the like. Toodalpip.”
With that, they chugged off down the river, singing “What shall we do with the drunken sailor”.
“Thank fuck they have gone” said Bigears.
“Oh really Bigears, you can be such a dreadful grump sometimes,” said Noddy, “What could you possibly have against the Famous Five?”
“I’ll tell you what shall I…….they are a bunch of jumped up, goody two shoes, middle class, toffee nosed little tossers, that’s what.”
“Oh really Bigears, they do a lot of excellent work. You seem to forget how many times they have been rewarded by being the winners of the ‘National children’s fictional characters award’ “
“Forget, how the hell could I forget? They win it every bloody year. It’s getting ridiculous, as the announcer starts, we all know who the winners are going to be…….The winners of ‘National children’s fictional characters of the year’ goes to…….The Famous fucking five.”
“Bigears you do exaggerate.”
“No, when was the last time you can remember them not winning it. It was the same when the Scooby doo lot kept bagging it a few years back. All cause they had a van, and that twat dog that kept solving mysteries, purely by chance I might add, it’s just not fair.”
“Bigears, I think you’re maybe just a little jealous” said Noddy.
“Not at all, all I am saying is, not only is it not fair that they keep winning it, when there are other just as worthy candidates, but it’s starting to cause trouble. It was kicking off last year, don’t you remember?”
“Yes you do, When their names were announced again, Small skirmishes started to break out. The Clangers were up in arms. Security had to be called. Of course, none of them could speak the language, so things were getting nasty. Thank God Sooty was there to calm the situation, thankfully he speaks fluent Clanger, and managed to appease them with several bottles of Smirnoff Ice. Something has got to be done about it, that’s all I’m saying.”
Noddy glanced at him and tutted.
“Anyway, I’ll leave it there…….apart from I’m not overly sure they should be giving out awards on such a regular basis to Lesbians.”
“WHAT……. Lesbians, awards, what on earth are you talking about?” exclaimed Noddy.
“George that fat girl with a blokes name from the bloody Famous Five, quite clearly a lesbian.”
“How on earth do you come to that ridiculous conclusion?”
“Oh come on, she’s more butch than Julian and Dick put together.”
Noddy turned to Bigears and sighed. “I agree that she is what you might call, a sturdy girl, but that in no way means she is a lesbian. Anyway, even if she is, we all live in the twenty first century now Bigears, apart from you, and sexual diversity is a thing to be embraced and celebrated, not ridiculed and condemned.”
“Well call me old fashioned…….”
“I do frequently” interrupted Noddy.
“Call me old fashioned, and let me just say I’ve got nothing against lifters and lip lickers, but I think it should be kept in the privacy of their own bedrooms or whatever, not paraded around at awards ceremonies.”
“For God’s sake Bigears, I don’t understand how your mind works sometimes.”
“While we are on the subject…….”
“I wasn’t aware that we were.” retorted Noddy.
“You know who else bats for the wrong side don’t you.”
“No, but I am absolutely positive that I will do within the next ten seconds.”
“Hong Kong Phooey.”
Noddy almost choked on his jam sandwich “Does he, and how pray tell has one come by this staggering piece of information?”
“Do you walk around with your eyes closed Noddy?” said Bigears, “Just his name is gay, I mean Hong Kong Bloody Phooey .”
Noddy was losing the will to live, and shook his head.
“You have got to admit, it’s all a bit suspect isn’t it? The way he runs around in public with just that short little dressing gown on, and that silly little mask.”
“Ooh I meant to talk to you about that,” Noddy interrupted, “You know how he thinks that nobody knows who he is…….”
“Henry, the mild mannered janitor…….”
“Yes, well if you see him, don’t whatever you do let on that we know, that he doesn’t know, that we know who he is!, I was talking to Wilma Flintstone in the laundrette the other day, and apparently he has started to suspect that some people know his identity, apparently he is very sensitive about it.”
“Sensitive, there you go…GAY.”
Noddy slumped down into his deckchair, and went back to staring at his float. “I don’t want to hear another word about award ceremonies, homosexuality, or anything else. Lets just get back to what’s left of our fishing trip.”
Bigears stuck his tongue out at Noddy, and lit another Benson.
After ten minutes or so of a slightly frosty silence, Noddy and Bigears couldn’t help hearing a rustling coming from the bushes some way behind them. This was followed by a woman’s voice.
“Ooh, what are you going to do with that you filthy brute?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know” they heard a man’s voice reply.
Noddy and Bigears looked at each other, and then craned their necks a little closer to the bush.
“Ooooh, I can’t believe you’re going to put it in there,” said the woman.
“I’ll put it where I like, you dirty little minx,” replied the man.
“Ooooh it’s big, I’m not sure I can take such a big one.”
“You’ll take it and like it,” replied the man.
Noddy sprang to his feet knocking over his deckchair. “Quick Bigears, there is a damsel in need of assistance, I’m going to phone the Famous Five.”
Bigears tried to calm Noddy down.
“Don’t just sit there Bigears, do something. Oh damn and blast, I can’t get a bloody signal, bloody T-Mobile…….ps. Sorry Lord for swearing.”
Bigears carried on trying to calm Noddy.
“It’s no good, I can’t get hold of them, we are going to have to save her Bigears.”
Bigears choked on his jam sandwich, and spluttered “Noddy listen…….”
“Cover me Bigears, I am going in”
“NODDY…….shut up and sit down,” shouted Bigears. “Nobody is going in anywhere, because nobody needs saving.”
“But the fair maiden, she…….”
“She is not a fair maiden, nobody is getting hurt, nobody needs rescuing, it’s just a couple of doggers.”
“Doggers, what the hell are doggers?” said Noddy looking very puzzled.
“Oh Jesus Christ” said Bigears, “Sit down, this may come as a bit of a shock to you.
Bigears picked up Noddy’s chair, and plonked him down into it.
“Doggers are people who like to have sexual experiences outdoors, more often than not with complete strangers. This is a well known dogging spot, didn’t you know?”
“Oh yuk…….oh yuk oh yuk oh yuk oh yuk oh yuk. I can’t believe it Bigears. You mean mummies and daddies, who obviously love each other very much, do mummy and daddy bedtime things with other mummies and daddies…….OUTDOORS?”
“Er yes, kind of I suppose” said Bigears as he brushed the hair away from Noddy’s face. “Are you ok?”
“Whatever next? What is the world coming to Bigears? It’s leaving me behind.” Noddy sat staring at his float without blinking.
Bigears got up from his chair.
“Where are you going Bigears?” said Noddy without taking his eyes off of the float.
“I’m er, just er, going to get some more Bensons, see you in about half an hour.”
Noddy sat motionless, staring at the water as the sun started to set over the horizon. What had happened to his world? Why couldn’t things just stay the same? Where had all the innocent adventures gone? Sunny days of just fishing. Driving down leafy lanes, and tooting the horn at Pat the postman. Shouting hello to Windy Miller, and running through honey coloured corn fields. It was all there in his head, but when he opened his eyes, it was different.
“My word Mr Big Ears, look at the size of those!” The lady screamed from the bushes.
Noddy squeezed his eyes shut tight, and turned up his ipod.
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