I have to admit, I did wake up in a bit of a bad mood today. I can’t say there is any particular reason, but there is no denying that Capt. Grump was in residence. If anybody has perused this blog before, they may have come to the conclusion that I may be a bit psychologically unstable! I wouldn’t disagree with that, but I don’t think I am at all dangerous. With a bit of luck and a following wind, you will never see me being led from my house, wearing nothing but my underpants, with handcuff accessories, a policeman on each arm, and my computer in a plastic bag. Shouting at the top of my voice, "It was the lizard men………they made me do it"! No, but what I am about to say may convince you that a couple of sessions on a leather couch, probably wouldn’t go amiss.
Lycanthropy. Yes I think I might be a werewolf! Not a full blown, hairy, on all fours howling at the moon type of werewolf, Just a mini one! For centuries some people have been convinced that the lunar cycles can affect the mind set of human beings. Well I’m starting to believe it. About once a month, my mood drops, I feel more aggressive, down in the dumps etc etc. Maybe I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body! No, I think it’s more likely that I am a werewolf. Trust me, I certainly don’t pay any attention to the lunar cycle what so ever, it’s just coincidence that I seem to notice the full moon, after I have started to feel werewolfy. Not the other way round, it’s uncanny.
This brings me nicely on to the subject of mental health in general. I am surprised that I haven’t been led from my house in just my underpants, because my family has a history of mental illness. Both my parents have suffered from depression and both of my grandmothers too. In fact one of them was a certified paranoid schizophrenic, and quite often used to ride a large motorbike about the town wearing nothing but a crash helmet!. At least she had the presence of mind to be safety conscious! I do sometimes wonder if I have inherited some of these problems, but in a much watered down version. I do think I suffer from mild paranoia, and might be slightly bipolar – (Just to clarify that, bipolar means mood swings, not that I like to bat and bowl)! – This is of course all diagnosed by me, because as well as being able to talk to the animals, and being ex special forces, I am a doctor too! On the subject of paranoia, let me give out some advice. If you even think you might suffer from the mildest form of paranoia, I implore you not to watch a film called ‘The Truman show’. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s basically about a man (Jim Carry), who discovers that his whole life has been a sham. He has been the subject of a reality TV show, and all the people that were his family and friends, were in fact actors. Well watching that film was one of the worst things I have ever done. Ever since then, there has been something in the back of my mind that keeps suggesting to me, that my life could be a reality TV show too! The logical and rational part of me knows that this notion is 99% ridiculous, but there is that 1% that still every now and again, goes around the house trying to find the hidden cameras! The thought of being filmed twenty-four hours a day is very unnerving, and can put you off your stroke, if you catch my drift. Also, occasionally I have been introduced to someone, like my brother in laws new girlfriend for example, and I could swear blind I have seen her as an extra on ‘The Bill’! "A ha, I have caught them out", I think to myself, that proves she is an actress. Is Miss Marple really just an actor? I think the fact that no actress in the world could possibly put up with me for eleven years, proves my theory wrong. Even if she was the most dedicated method actor in the world, I think after only a couple of years, she would have thrown the towel in, and demanded to speak to her agent. While we are on the subject of ‘reality TV’, I made the mistake of watching a couple of minutes of ‘Big Brother’ last night. Now I am not going to sit here and slag off big brother, it has been done so many times before. Having said that, I do genuinely sit there with my jaw on the floor, amazed at how twatish some people can be. Don’t take it from this, that I think that I am better than these people, or anyone else, (If Miss Marple is standing behind me, her eyebrows will be raised again!). I get on my own nerves probably more than anyone else does, but some of the morons on that show, have to be seen to be believed. There is some woman on there, called Charlie I think, and she is a real life version of Vicky Pollard. What baffles me, is that she obviously doesn’t realize what a twat she is. I have to turn it off, before I snap the flat screen in half.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally averse to the odd bit of reality telly, I can’t help myself when the fruitcakes are auditioning for the early shows of ‘The X Factor’, who can’t be entertained by that? But the one’s that really piss me off are the ‘Celebrity’ reality shows. You know these shows that are full of one hit wonders, and some bloke who used to present the weather on TV West or something. Irritating little bastards that are desperately trying to claw back some credibility, or trying to revive their flagging careers. They seem to think that just because they have been on the telly, that means they have some sort of devine rite, never to have to have a proper job again. What is even more rage inducing than that, is that the TV companies keep pumping this crap out. Some show way back in the mists of time that started all this, was a success, so let’s keep churning ‘em out. What else can they come up with for Christ’s sake? We have had celebrities in jungles, on ice, not on ice, in the ballroom, celebrities singing on there own, in duets with has been proper singers!, cooking celebrities, sky diving celebrities, there is absolutely nothing left. There doesn’t seem to be any depth, that the TV companies aren’t afraid to sink to. I am waiting for it. Yes, I am waiting for it to happen. It can’t be long now. Just around the corner, they have nowhere else to go. I am fully expecting to be watching the telly in the not too distant future, and hear the words………"Starting this Saturday at 7.30 on ITV1, it’s….. ‘Celebrity Wanking’…… yes, watch all your favorite celebs wanking for charity. One celeb gets voted off each week, and it’s up to you who stays. Remember fifteen pence from each call goes to charity, and of course the vast majority of it – absolutely bloody millions – comes straight to us Yipee!. Next Saturday only on ITV1"……. Yes I know it sounds ludicrous, but it won’t be long. They would drag some cheesy host in, I can see it now………….
Host "So Baz, people will be familiar with you, from your role in
Eastenders. What have you been doing since you were so sensationally sacked?"
Baz "Well Ben I wasn’t actually sacked, my character’s role had come to a natural conclusion. But to answer your question, a lot of personal Appearances, spending time with the family, you know."
Ben "Anyway, are you up for it tonight?" Smiles and gives a cheeky wink to camera.
Baz "Yeah, yeah. I’ve been practicing all week, this means everything to me, it’s nothing but 110% all the way, and I’m going to give it my best shot"
Ben Another cheeky grin to camera
"Ok over to Zac here, now what have you been doing since you had that one hit with the boy band ‘Skin to skin’?"
Zac "Well it’s been wicked, ya know what I mean. Loads of stuff really, loads going on. Ya know what I mean"
Ben "Well, like what?"
Zac "Well, putting a new band together, opened an ‘Anything for a pound shop’ last week"
Ben "Well that’s great. Tell me, are you hoping to have a resurgence in your career after appearing on this show?. Maybe you can finally move out of your mum’s"
Zac "She lives with me actually…..she is infirmed. Anyway, whatever happens, happens. My main reason for doing this is obviously the charity. Yeah that’s right everyone, I’m wanking for the kids……...!
Ya know what I mean."
Each week they could compete in a different discipline. One week could be speed wanking, the next, endurance wanking, another week, free style maybe? A panel of judges would hold cards up with scores out of ten on them! And then to the final……………..
Ben "Well that’s it viewers, next week it’s the big one. That’s right both Zac And Baz are through to next weeks final. So be sure to join us next Saturday here exclusively on ITV1 for ……………..
‘Celebrity Wanking…………The toss off’" !
Oh well, getting tired, better get to bed before Miss Marple wonders what I’m doing. See you all next year for the ‘Wankathon’!
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