I awoke this morning to discover a Jack Russell licking my face. Due to my post slumber confusion, it took me a few seconds to remember what he had been eating the night before. Just as I wrestled him from my face, the other one passed wind. Miss Marple raises an eyebrow at my gaseous eruptions, but a dog fart definitely has an unmistakable bouquet. I crawled out of bed, and staggered to the bathroom (I used the forty-five degree angle method this morning). Looking down, I simply couldn’t ignore the seemingly ever expanding stomach that sat defiantly before me. “I have got to do something about this” I thought to myself. When you bend over to put your socks on and you can barely breathe, it’s time to wake up and pound the pavement. Miss Marple has been tutting a lot lately too. She keeps looking in the mirror, and huffing. It’s not been all rosy for Miss Marple lately. Her latest trip to the hairdressers did not quite go to plan. Recently she has adopted a new hairstyle, a kind of bob. Normally when she comes back from the hairdressers, I can honestly not tell that she has been, “Ah, fifteen quid well spent” I think to myself. But this time I could definitely tell she had been. The hair dresser must have been adrenalined up or something, because she had been a little over zealous. It was a little shorter than planned. In fact when she first returned, I thought a small boy had wandered into the house! So that, combined with a little excess weight, and we are all tip toeing a bit at the moment. So what to do about this weight?
Eating more healthily is the obvious answer. We have started so many ‘regimes’, but they have always ended in a kebab. Always starts off great. Monday eating fruit like it’s going out of fashion, might even do a few sit ups. Tuesday, still going good, feel bloody starving, but hanging in there. Then it comes to Wednesday. Or ‘Week willed Wednesday’ as we have coined it. I don’t know what it is about Wednesdays, but this is where it all collapses. Weather the body has had enough after two days, I don’t know. But it makes me crave something dripping in cholesterol, like a junkie craves a fix. So Wednesday usually ends in a kebab, and a belly full of regret.
This brings me on to exercise. Oooh, I hate it. It just isn’t me. I suppose the first kind of exercise most people would think about is running. I have a few issues with running. Firstly, it is painful, and secondly it is boring. These are both things that I try to rule out of my life. It’s not surprising it hurts, fourteen and a half stone bouncing around on two spindly legs can’t be very healthy. Also what really gets me, is that human beings must be the only animals on the planet, that run just for the bloody sake of it!
Surely we were given the ability to run, so that we could try to evade danger, or run after something, to catch and eat it. So what the hell is a marathon runner doing? IT IS BLOODY POINTLESS. I can’t imagine a lion goes for a run for the sake of it.
Two lions on the plain………..
Lion 1 “Hello mate, alright?”
Lion 2 “Yes mate, fine”
Lion 1 “What’s Dave doing?”
Lion 2 “He said he was going for a run”
Lion 1 “Oh yeah, after something is he? Got a gazelle in his sights I suppose”
Lion 2 “No, that’s the funny thing, he just said…….he was going for a run”
Lion 1 “What?........fucking twat, doesn’t he know it’s hot”.
But there we go, pounding around, buggering our knees up, and wearing unpleasant shorts. You know the one's I mean. Cut really high, and showing far far too much man thigh for my liking.
The worst thing in the 'running world', has got to be the London Marathon. If ever there was five hours of pointless television, that has surly got to be it. Five hours of people jogging along, dripping in sweat, and waving at a camera. Some of the idiots even dress up for The occasion. Yes there they are, plodding along in a chicken costume, or a bloody pantomime horse or something. "How can you be so miserable?", I hear you cry, "A lot of them do it for charity". Yes I know, that's highly commendable, make them all knights of the realm if you like, JUST DON'T PUT IT ON THE BLOODY TELEVISION. It's the same at the Olympics. The ten thousand metres. Christ, what a bore. Once you have seen one lap, you have seen them all. I really don't know how the commentators can manage to make a commentary, on something where nothing happens. I think it's the commentators who should get the medals, for being able to stay awake. While I’m slagging off fit people, lets take a shot at another 'sport' that I will ban when I am Prime Minister. Bloody rowing. This comes in a very close second to long distance running. Not only is it boring and painful, but you can add slow, and the fact that they are going backwards to the list as well. The only reason this doesn't come in first on the 'Bore list', is that there is always a chance that one of them will sink, adding a slight air of amusement to the proceedings. The organisers of the events really aren’t putting all their efforts into them are they?. These things could be greatly improved, with just a few simple tweaks. Long distance running would be made a much better spectator sport, if a few snipers were placed around the arena. The bastards wouldn’t just plod around then, and the crowd would get value for money. On the same tack, rowing would be jazzed up immensely, if mines were scattered throughout the course. The added benefit being, that as they can’t see where they are going, an entertaining element of luck would be thrown into the mix!
Well I could probably write something the length of ’War and peace’ about all the annoying things about sport, but it’s bloody hot, and there is a large donner with my name etched upon it downstairs!
See you all soon Mule fans!
Keep on running…………
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