Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Hoorah for Benji!.......

I FEEL CRAP!…….Dear God, what is this infirmity that hath beset me? It started Sunday morning. Woke up with a bit of a sore throat, and a general feeling of dodgy ness. As the day went on, the sore throat escalated, and a cough developed. A pounding head then started, and my body felt like I had done a few rounds with ’Giant Haystacks’. This is my third day off work now, and I have only just managed to drag myself off the sofa. It all started Monday. Miss Marple went off to work, leaving me in a semi comatose state on the settee. At about 8.45am, I dragged myself up, and decided to make myself some toast, and watch the chavs on ’The Jeremy Kyle show’. If ever there was a more irritating man than Jeremy Kyle, I have yet to come across him. What really gets on my wick with all these type of people, they know who they are, Kyle, Lake, Goddard, Winfrey, is that they are so bloody self righteous. They have always had a greater problem than those of the unfortunates on their shows, and have always come through it, and “out the other side”. It was one hell of a “Journey”, but “Just look at me now”. “My husband wouldn’t treat me this way”, or “My kids are so well balanced, because I am an excellent parent”. What exactly is it that qualifies these bloody people, to go sticking their noses into other people’s misery anyway? So anyway, there I was, kettle boiling, toast toasting, head thumping, when all of a sudden, everything stops. Silence ensued, and I just stood there in a state of bewilderment. No power, what had happened? I checked the fuse box, all ok there, and then it suddenly dawned on me. I remember a few weeks ago getting a note through the door saying, “Your electricity supply will be switched off, so that maintenance work can be carried out, on August 13th, from approximately 9.00am to 4pm. Shit, not today I thought. The bastards could have let me finish the toast first, look; they are seven minutes early as well. It suddenly occurred to me, that luke warm tea and anaemic toast were going to be the least of my problems. How the hell was I going to cope without my beloved electricity for SEVEN WHOLE HOURS! Don’t panic I thought, you will be ok. You feel like crap, get some sleep, sleep is always good for illness. I laid on the sofa, turned this way, I turned that way. I counted sheep; I tried to think of something really boring to help me nod off, a conversation with ‘Jade Goody’ maybe. It was no good, it wasn’t working. It didn’t help that I had two Jack Russells bouncing around and top of me, and wheel spinning on my head, every time they heard the slightest noise. Or throwing themselves at the backdoor, every time an ant had the audacity to tip toe across the garden! It was no good, I couldn’t sleep. Not only could I not sleep, but I was hungry. I know I thought, beans - electric hob……bugger. Biscuits - tin was empty. It was at this point, that the full horror of the situation occurred to me. There was nothing else for it, desperate times call for desperate measures, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. The Dunkirk spirit rose to the surface…….I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO EAT SOME FRUIT! I closed my eyes, and plunged my hand into the fruit bowl. I pulled out an apple, looked a bit wrinkly, no I couldn’t do it. I’m not totally sure what the next thing was, that I pulled out, but I took a deep breath, and took a bite. Now, is it only me that finds the taste of fruit bloody horrible? Or is there someone else out there, that can’t see what all the fuss is about. It doesn’t matter what type of fruit I sink my teeth into, the result is always the same. My cheeks suck in, and my eyes squint, as if I have just sat on a bicycle with no saddle! I don’t know what God/Mother Nature (Please delete as appropriate), was thinking about, when he/she/it designed this stuff. Why didn’t he/she/it make the earth’s natural foods, taste like ’Cornish Pasties’? Ho hum, what to do now? Try and get some sleep…..damn, not working. There then ensued a period of pacing about, interspersed with tablet taking. I’m not sure Benjamin Franklin (among others), knew the impact he was going to have, when he invented this electricity stuff. There is now a world full of electricity addicts, who find it almost impossible to survive without the stuff. Benjamin Franklin, it could be said, is my posthumous dealer! It was now only about 10.30am. I couldn’t believe time could pass this slowly. I tried day dreaming. It’s peculiar, I can’t do it when I’m just sitting there, I have to be driving, or speaking to Justin from human resources! By this time, the inevitable was starting to creep up on me. I had exhausted all possibilities except one, I was going to have to READ A BOOK! I pulled one from my bookshelf, and dusted it off. I opened the cover and it creaked, as it saw the light of day for the first time for many a year. It was a book portraying the exploits of the SAS. I read a few pages, and felt my eyes starting to get heavy. By this time the dogs had finally calmed down, and the three of us slipped into a gentle slumber. The rest of the day, was spent wandering about, and sleeping. When Miss Marple finally came home, she swears she found me in the airing cupboard, in the foetal position, clutching my Playstation under one arm, the laptop under the other, dribbling slightly, rocking backwards and forwards, sobbing, and muttering…..”My babies are dead…my babies are dead”! I’m not sure how true this is, I don’t remember it, but this could be because I was out of it on a cocktail of Lemsip, and electricity withdrawal! Anyway, still feeling a bit crap, and ‘Cash in the attic is nearly on’! So bye for now, I love you Benji!

1 comment:

Steve said...

Oh well. I suppose you're not really suffering from "plumbipendulosis". Take a long sauna and have a good sweat - it'll either kill you or cure you. Good luck.

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Smileville, Smileshire, United Kingdom
Don't let the bastards grind you down! peace and love x