“Joy oh joy oh joyful joy,” said Noddy as he scurried around the kitchen tiding away his breakfast things. “Is this just the best day of our lives Bigears?”
Bigears coughed and passed wind simultaneously, which he thought was pretty impressive for 6.30am.
“Bigears you look exhausted again, what have you been doing?”
“Oh not much, you know…….” replied Bigears.
“Oh not that chat room again. What is it called?…..get a life, or something.”
“Another life, actually.”
“Look Bigears, I know things haven’t been all that successful on the lady front lately, but you won’t find any answers in chat rooms.” said Noddy as he put his mini shreddies in the cupboard.
“You never know, there are all sorts of women on there, one in particular seems very interested in me if you must know.” said Bigears, a little put out.
“Don’t tell me, wait, let me see. She told you she was five feet six, slim, long blond hair, blue eyes, big chested, and was a fitness instructor, right?” said Noddy knowingly.
“Not exactly.” retorted Bigears.
“Come on,” said Noddy as he crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows.
“Air stewardess actually.”
Noddy tutted and threw his hands up into the air. “You know she is probably about forty-five, a size eighteen, married with four kids, and spends her day quelling the void in her life, by going into chatrooms, and playing online bingo don’t you?”
Bigears looked down quickly at his now soggy cornflakes, and cursed Noddy for his perception. Especially as most of the time, he was irritatingly naïve. The thing is, he thought to himself, he would find out soon. He was meeting her in McDonalds next Wednesday!
“Anyway Bigears, we haven’t got time for all this, for today we are going to see the Queen, and you have got to get yourself changed.”
Bigears looked down at his clothes and said, “Changed, I am changed.”
Noddy’s eyes popped out of his head. “What, you’re wearing that.”
“What’s wrong with it?” retorted Bigears.
“Do you really think, that a pair of scuffed cowboy boots, a pair of extremely worn leather trousers, and your Johnny Cash ‘Man in black’ shirt is really suitable attire to meet her Majesty?”
Bigears threw his cornflakes in the bin, and wished he lived somewhere else.
“I don’t know how you have got the gall to have a go at what I am wearing, when you are wearing that bloody thing.” said Bigears as he pointed at Noddy’s clothes.
“These are my best clothes Bigears, clothes I might add, that are fit to meet the Queen in.”
Noddy was pleased with his choice of attire, he was wearing his best royal blue velvet suit, with gold trim and matching hat, his crisp freshly ironed white socks, and super shiny black shoes, with highly polished buckles.
“Well all I am saying is, don’t go wandering off alone around Hampstead Heath wearing that stuff, ok.” chuckled Bigears.
“Hampstead Heath, what on earth are you talking about? We haven’t got time for your ambiguous ramblings Bigears, we have got a train to catch.” said Noddy.
He bundled Bigears into the Noddy car, and then climbed behind the wheel. He raced along the leafy lane as the sun danced through the trees, and couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face, as he thought about how wonderful it was going to be, to meet The Queen of England.
“Oh God, why is there always a queue when you are in a hurry?” asked Noddy, as he
nervously shifted from one foot to the other. “Oh come on…….please.”
“For God’s sake calm down, there is plenty of time,” said Bigears as he became more irritated with Noddy as every second passed.
Finally Noddy reached the front of the queue.
“Good day to you sir, I would like two tickets to see the Queen please.”
The ticket man looked Noddy up and down over the top of his glasses, and said “Is that two tickets to see THE Queen, or A queen?”
Noddy heard Bigears snigger behind him, and shot him a scowl. “Pray tell sir, what could you possibly mean? for there is only one Queen of England, and she hath requested the company of these two bonny squires that thou sees before thee.”
“Are you going to talk like that all day?” Said Bigears.
“You know, all lardeeda, and…….Queenish.”
“I am just making an effort Bigears, just making an effort. It wouldn’t kill you to express yourself in a more eloquent manner.”
Bigears and the ticket man looked at each other, and their eyebrows raised simultaneously.
The train journey seemed to last forever. Noddy stared out of the window at the passing scenery. Towns and villages, rivers and streams, people going about their daily business, little did they know, that whizzing passed them, were two chaps on their way to see The Queen.
“Why are none of these cabs stopping?” said Noddy as he waved his arms in the air, while at the same time looking at his watch.
“Probably something to do with that suit,” said Bigears.
Noddy finally hailed a cab by standing in the middle of the road, and shouting “By order of the Queen…….HALT”.
“Where to Guvner?” said the cabby.
“Buckingham Palace please driver, and don’t spare the horses.” shouted Noddy.
They set off, with Noddy cursing the traffic, and Bigears cursing Noddy.
“Hey, aren’t you that Bigears?” said the cab driver.
“Yeah, that’s right,” said Bigears, very proud of his new found celebrity status.
“Tell me, is your cock really that big, or has it been airbrushed?”
Noddy looked dumbfounded.
“No, that is true to life, honest, you wanna verify it for yourself?” said Bigears as he started to undo his flies.
“NO he most certainly doesn’t,” shouted Noddy trying to do His friend's flies back up. “What do you mean anyway, how do you know how big his…….thing is?”
“It’s all over the internet innit. It’s on that site, cartoon cocks.com -
(Now readers, it was at this point that curiosity got the better of me, and I googled it! I was there for four hours! No don’t do it…….oh, you have. Now where was I, back to the story) -
“Bugger me, that must be a handful,” said the cabby.
“It certainly is mate” said Bigears, “I have to make sure that I am in peak physical condition before I get a stiffy. Otherwise the redistribution of blood to the old fella can cause me to keel over.”
“Fuck me, I wish I had one that big” said the cabby wistfully.
“You say that, but quite frankly it can be a curse sometimes. Yeah alright it’s great having a massive one, but sometimes I long for an average one. One lady I was with was so impressed by it, that she insisted on taking me home to show her mother. Let me tell ya, having yer girlfriend wankin’ you off in front of her mother is at best a little awkward, and in no way the circumstances I had envisaged, whilst doing the ‘Meeting the parents’ thing.”
“Oh I don’t know, I…….” Said the cabby.
“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE…….can we please stop discussing his…thing, and mothers, and whatnot, and just …..stop it. Especially on this special day.
“Jealous” said Bigears.
“I am not at all jealous, it’s just highly inappropriate on today of all days. I do not want to be discussing such tawdry things, on the day of her majesty’s Annual garden party for children’s fictional characters. Thank you.”
Finally the journey came to an end. Noddy and Bigears climbed from the cab, and stood staring at Buckingham Palace.
“My word Bigears, look at it. Majestic, awe inspiring.” Noddy was beside himself.
“It’s not as big as I thought it would be,” said Bigears.
“Oh really, is there nothing you won’t find fault with?”
Noddy and Bigears found their way to the correct entrance, and was ushered in by a man wearing a very impressive uniform. Noddy was a little dismayed that everybody had to walk through a full body metal detector. He felt it sullied the experience somewhat. But in today’s climate, he wasn’t surprised, even her majesty took security seriously. He was a little embarrassed however, when Bigears set it off. He stared at his feet, at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid the look on the face of the security man, as Bigears produced the offending articles. A Swiss army knife, a cap gun (What was he thinking), a set of guitar strings, and a sex pistols key ring.
Noddy was pleased to see so many old familiar faces. Julian from the famous five had already got the ear of Prince Phillip, no doubt beguiling him with tales of his exploits for his Duke of Edinburgh awards. The Clangers were telling Prince Harry a clanger joke (With Sooty interpreting), and Hong Kong Phooey was talking fashion with Fergy. Noddy was a little surprised, and to be honest a tad disappointed that the royal household had seen fit to allow admittance to the ‘Magic Roundabout’ lot. Noddy didn’t like to speak ill of people, but they really were as common as muck. Terrible chavs the lot of them. With their suspicious cigarettes, and “Man this”, and “man that”. Noddy had heard a rumour that they were socialists, but he rarely listened to tittle tattle.
Well the time had come. The line was being assembled. Noddy didn’t know weather to be pleased or disappointed that he and Bigears were near the end, but so be it.
“I really need a slash” said Bigears.
“Oh dear God, not now, why didn’t you go before we left?”
“I didn’t need to go then did I” said Bigears.
“Well you will just have to hold it.”
“I can’t, I’m off to find a bog.”
“WHAT, the queen will be here any minute, you…….”
Noddy turned round to see Bigears scampering off down a hall way.
Noddy looked back at where the Queen was, and then back to where Bigears went. He probably had five or six minutes at best. Luckily Her majesty had been delayed somewhat by Dick Dastardly, who was smarming his way around her. Thank heavens for small mercies. Where was Bigears Noddy thought to himself.
Noddy was in a dilemma. Should he wait, and risk Bigears missing the big moment, or go and try to find him, and heaven forbid, risk both of them missing it. The sweat started to bounce of Noddy’s furrowed brow. There was nothing else for it, he was going to have to go and find him.
Noddy walked briskly down the hall that Bigears had descended down. He couldn’t see any toilets anywhere. Panic was setting in. Where the hell was the bloody idiot?
Then all of a sudden, as Noddy was walking past one door in particular, he heard a woman’s voice. It sounded familiar. Noddy didn’t like to snoop, but he was desperate, any clue as to Bigears’s whereabouts was welcome. He pressed his ear hard against the door. Yes there was definitely two voices, one female, and one male. The male voice was muffled, but the woman’s was crystal clear. Yes, there was no doubt about it, it was Camilla Parker Bowls!
“Oh you naughty boy” said Camilla, “You know how I love it when your big ears tickle the insides of my thighs.”
Noddy’s eyes widened, and his knees began to buckle.
“Oh do you really, you want me to wear the crown do you?” giggled Camilla.
Noddy’s heart rate was off the scale.
“Oh yes Bigears, you certainly have the knack of getting my drawbridge down, and invading my palace.”
Noddy sank to his knees.
“Gasp, slow down Bigears, the crown is slipping off…….oh oh oh…….OH BIGEARS!”
Noddy was breathing heavily into his brown paper bag that he carried with him everywhere, for just such emergencies.
“How could he” Noddy thought to himself. “How could he do this to me. The filthy beast. We are a few minutes away from meeting the Queen of this fair isle, and he is committing adultery with the future King of England’s wife! Dear God almighty, we will go to the tower.”
Noddy could wait no longer, he raced back to the line up. The sweat was running down his face by now, partly due to the exertion, and partly because of the fear of beheading! As he got there, he stared at the unmistakable shape of Bigears standing in the line up.
“Where the bloody hell have you been, she is nearly here” said Bigears.
“But…….how……” stuttered Noddy.
“Shut up, shut up, she is here.” Whispered Bigears.
Noddy stood there, quite frankly not looking his best. One buckle had come undone, his once pert hat was now flaccid, and sweat stains were starting to seep through his velvet suit.
The Queen shook Noddy by the hand, and glanced at her footman. He dashed forward, and with a remarkable amount of discretion, gave a couple of squirts of ‘Glade’ in Noddy’s general direction.
“You must be Noddy” Said the Queen.
“That’s right Ma’am, I am Noddy of Noddy town, your humble and faithful servant your most Loveliness.” Panted Noddy.
“Loveliness” why had he said fucking loveliness?” Noddy thought to himself. If his compatriot fornicating with Camilla hadn’t assured him a seat in the tower, calling The Queen lovely, was sure to do it.
The Queen moved on quickly, and soon Prince Phillip was standing opposite Bigears.
“What o Bigears, I’ve heard you have got a big one” grinned The Duke.
Noddy was disappointed that he had spent the vast majority of the afternoon in the St John’s Ambulance tent. It was not how he had envisaged the afternoon panning out. But he was feeling a little better now, and was determined not to miss any more of it. He wandered back in to the reception room.
Bigears was laughing noisily with the Magic roundabout lot, even though he had told him not to mix with them under any circumstances. Julian was being far too familiar with Kate Middleton for Noddy’s liking, and Hong Kong Phooey was discussing turning his show in to a west end production with Prince Edward.
Then out of the corner of his eye, Noddy spotted Camilla. This was his chance to try to put things right. His one opportunity to try and smooth the waters some what.
He nervously sidled up to Camilla, and coughed.
“Excuse me Ma’am, I am Noddy of Noddy town, and I was just wondering if I could have a discreet word with you.”
“Why yes of course, what can I do for you?” said Camilla politely.
“Can I just take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of Bigears.
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” Replied Camilla looking puzzled.
“Oh Ma’am, how I do so admire your tact and decorum, but please, there really is no need.
“Really?” said Camilla looking bemused.
Noddy lent closer to Camilla, and said, “It is widely understood that Bigears is a rampant pervert, and what I heard him doing to you earlier is disgraceful.”
“You mean you were listening, listening outside the door of my private quarters?” said Camilla indignantly.
“Oh not on purpose you understand, I was looking for him, because, well not to put too fine a point on it, he is a little light fingered, and I didn’t want him secreting anything Royal down his rather scruffy trousers.”
Camilla looked confused, and a little impatient, and said, “Scruffy trousers, light fingered, I…….”
Noddy butted in, “Lets not beat about the bush your ladyship, Bigears is an Ungodly, unwashed, porn addicted, perverted kleptomaniac.”
Camilla stood staring at Noddy with a slack jaw, and eyes like saucers.
“I think we will leave it at that your ma’amship” said Noddy as he gave Camilla a wink.
The rest of the afternoon flew by, and soon it was time to go home. Noddy and Bigears arrived home with their Chinese takeaway, and settled down for a night in front of Sky plus. Having consumed the best part of a bottle of ‘Jim Beam’, it wasn’t long before Bigears was snoring loudly. Noddy felt pleased that he had rather brilliantly managed to turn around, what had started off as minor disaster. Despite the hiccups, he had managed to make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear.
Noddy picked up the remote, and started flicking through the channels. He stopped at a show entitled ‘Top 100 Celebrity pet names’ and decided to give it five minutes of his precious time. The presenter, who he had never heard of, said, “And now, in at seventeen, we have Peter Andre’s pet name for Jordan…….Big Tits. Well that’s brilliant Pete” said the presenter in a rather smug Edinburgh fringe kind of way, “Very Original. And now ladies and gents, a surprise entry at number sixteen. Well would you believe it, Camilla Parker Bowls, yes the actual Camilla Parker Bowls, apparently calls old Charles……. Bigears.”
The rest of what the presenter was saying was inaudible to Noddy, as all he could hear was the high blood pressure ringing in his ears. What was it that he had unwittingly called the future king of England? Oh yes, that’s right, how could he possibly forget. The words were etched forever on his memory, an “Ungodly, unwashed, porn addicted, perverted kleptomaniac.”
Noddy poured himself a large Jim beam, and lit his first benson of his life.
- ▼ February (4)
- ► 2008 (15)